Info & Advice

How parental conflict affects children

Completely amicable, mutual agreed separations do occur, of course, but they are the exception rather than the rule. For most couples, the end of the relationship is triggered by some form of conflict, some disagreement, argument or falling-out. Perfectly normal and perhaps inevitable. It is how these disagreements are handled that makes all the difference. Outrage and acrimony will not only make the split a more stressful and unpleasant experience, it will leave lifelong scars on one group of particularly vulnerable bystanders: children.

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Children depend on their parents for many things. There are the physical fundamentals:  a home, food, clothes, medical care. But the intangibles are just as vital: a supportive environment, warmth, reassurance, safety. Visibly upset parents are very unsettling to children because their sense of security and normality comes directly from their carers.

A lasting legacy

The behaviour of parents or other caregivers could not be more central to the wellbeing of children. Faced with a parent who disparages the other as an outlet for their bitterness over the break-up, children often go out of their way to please them, even at the expense of their relationship with the absent father or mother.

Every child derives part of their sense of identity comes from their parents – both of them – so while they struggle to appease the present parent, they may feel that those angry words are directed on some level at them too.

Disputes between mothers and fathers that occur frequently and which are only partially or never resolved increase put their children at a higher risk of multiple poor life outcomes, even if the parents each manage to maintain a good individual relationship with the child.

According to multiple studies, parents at loggerheads put children at higher risk of:

  • Health problems
  • Substance abuse
  • Difficulty making friends
  • Mental health challenges

Longer term problems can include a greater risk of depression and anxiety, struggles finding work, and difficulty forming romantic relationships.

Protecting the children

Given all the above, it behoves every responsible parent to work as hard as they can to protect their children from the parental conflict behind a divorce or separation. This means trying your best to avoid:

  • Arguing in front of them.
  • Criticising the other parent in conversations with your children, however frustrated you may feel with your former partner.

If these basic principles prove challenging, you may find mediation with your former partner helpful or gain valuable insights from time with a counsellor.


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FAQs

We guide you through the basics of family law by answering some popular questions regarding divorce, financial issues and children disputes.

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Am I entitled to child maintenance?

Child maintenance is determined based on the paying parent’s gross income, the number of nights your children stay with them per week and whether the…

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Child maintenance is determined based on the paying parent’s gross income, the number of nights your children stay with them per week and whether the paying parent has to pay maintenance for any children they have with someone else.

Child maintenance will not be payable if:

  1. you share care equally with your child’s other parent;
  2. your child’s other parent is a full time student with no income;
  3. your child’s other parent is in prison.

Are children’s wishes and feelings taken into account?

They can be if they are deemed ascertainable which will depend on the age, level of understanding and level of maturity of your children. Even…

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They can be if they are deemed ascertainable which will depend on the age, level of understanding and level of maturity of your children. Even if taken into account, children’s wishes and feelings are by no means determinative, as the court realises that children often (a) don’t know what they want, (b) don’t know what is best for them and (c) sometimes say say different things to different people.


Can I move abroad with my children?

You can relocate abroad which is also known as removing your child from the jurisdiction if all other people with parental responsibility for the children…

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You can relocate abroad which is also known as removing your child from the jurisdiction if all other people with parental responsibility for the children (usually the other parent) agree. This is unlikely and so most parents wishing to move abroad with their children are forced to make an application to the court. These applications are not straightforward. They can be costly both from a financial and emotional perspective and involve the court undertaking a finely balance assessment of whether a move would be in a child’s best interests. Parents wishing to move abroad must do their research before suggesting this to the other parent or to the court. Where exactly will you live? What will you do for employment? Who will pay for your living costs? Who will serve as your support system in the foreign country? What school will your child go to? How will you ensure that your children do no lose touch with their mother or father and that contact is sustained between them? Swathes of evidence will be required from the parent seeking to move. These are complicated applications that will usually require you to seek legal advice from a specialist family lawyer.


Can I move to another location within the UK with my children?

You can relocate within the UK if all other people with parental responsibility for the children (usually the other parent) agree. Again, as with moving…

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You can relocate within the UK if all other people with parental responsibility for the children (usually the other parent) agree. Again, as with moving abroad, if they don’t then you will need to make an application to court. As with all applications made regarding children, the court will consider what is in the children’s best interests. Detailed evidence will be required from the parent seeking to relocate. These are complicated applications that will usually require you to seek legal advice from a specialist family lawyer.


Can I take my children on holiday after separation?

Yes if: (a) your children’s other parent agrees; or (b) a child arrangements order specifying that your children are to live with you is in…

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Yes if:

(a) your children’s other parent agrees; or

(b) a child arrangements order specifying that your children are to live with you is in place. If it is, then you can take your children on holiday abroad for a period of 4 weeks or less. You could take your child abroad for longer if the other parent agrees; or

(c) where you do not have a child arrangements order specifying that your children live with you and where the children’s other parent does not agree, if you seek permission from the court (leave to remove a child from the jurisdiction).

Under the Child Abduction Act 1984, it is a criminal offence for parents to take their children out of the UK without consent from all other people with parental responsibility.


Can we share care of our children after our split?

Absolutely. You can agree this between yourselves or through solicitors. Shared care can never be exactly half of the year but it can come close.…

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Absolutely. You can agree this between yourselves or through solicitors. Shared care can never be exactly half of the year but it can come close. Do remember to consider who children will spend important days with. Will you alternative Christmases? Who will they spend time with on their own birthdays? Will they stay with their mother on mother’s day and father on father’s day? There are still a lot of considerations to think about. It’s important to be flexible but shared care can create a well balanced routine for all involved.


How do I work out how much child maintenance I have to pay?

You can check this using the Child Maintenance Service calculator. Before you go onto the calculator, you’ll need the following details: your income including any…

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You can check this using the Child Maintenance Service calculator. Before you go onto the calculator, you’ll need the following details:

  • your income including any state pension;
  • any benefits you get;
  • the number of nights your child stay with you.

How do we deal with the children’s feelings during a separation?

Divorce or family breakdown can be very distressing for parents and children alike. Children need reassurance. They may be angry, confused and worried but it…

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Divorce or family breakdown can be very distressing for parents and children alike. Children need reassurance. They may be angry, confused and worried but it is important to stay calm when talking to them about your split. Focus on the positives and on the future. Give them things to look forward to. Remember the golden rules: never disparage their other parent(s) in front of them and don’t seek to use them as weapons during your separation or divorce.

Ultimately, you are no doubt going through an extremely tough time yourself, so do consider whether you could benefit from some external help. Your children could benefit from children and young people’s counselling.


How do we tell the children that we are splitting up?

Preferably, together. It can be a moment that you’ve dreaded for a long time but, if possible, it is useful to take one final united…

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Preferably, together. It can be a moment that you’ve dreaded for a long time but, if possible, it is useful to take one final united stance and tell your children your separating together. We realise that sometimes that just isn’t possible but you could also try to agree what you will say to the children, even if you’re saying to them separately.

Regardless, you will know your children better than anyone else, so strike an appropriate balance based on their age(s) and level of development but avoid overloading them with information they don’t need to know. Reassure and comfort them, letting them know that you’ll both always be there to support them.


How does child custody work?

The first thing to note is that the term “custody” doesn’t exist in England & Wales, it is more an American concept. We refer to…

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The first thing to note is that the term “custody” doesn’t exist in England & Wales, it is more an American concept. We refer to ‘Child Arrangements’, this refers to where a child lives and how often they see the other parent

A child’s welfare is paramount and, whilst the courts would much rather you as parents agree on any decisions regarding arrangements for your child’s care, any decision the court is forced to make about where a child will live and who they spend time with will be determined based on whatever is in the child or children’s best interests. What is in the best interests of children in one family may not be in the best interests of children of another family. There is no one size fits all.


How much child maintenance am I entitled to?

You can check this very easily using the Child Maintenance Service calculator. Before you go onto the calculator, you’ll need the following details for your…

Read More

You can check this very easily using the Child Maintenance Service calculator. Before you go onto the calculator, you’ll need the following details for your child’s other mother or father:

  • their income including any state pension;
  • any benefits they get;
  • the number of nights your child stays with them.

How often do I have to let my ex see the children?

Wrong question. Better question: what is in the best interests of my children? Remember, ultimately, if your ex has parental responsibility over your child, poses…

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Wrong question. Better question: what is in the best interests of my children? Remember, ultimately, if your ex has parental responsibility over your child, poses no risk of harm to them and has demonstrated themselves as a capable parent, it will usually be deemed in the children’s best interests to spend time with them. How often can be a tricky thing to determine in the absence of agreement so you may wish to get advice on your specific circumstances.


What are my rights as a father?

Despite several myths circulating regarding fathers have less rights over their children than mothers, if you already have parental responsibility as a father, then each…

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Despite several myths circulating regarding fathers have less rights over their children than mothers, if you already have parental responsibility as a father, then each of you will start on an equal footing. The welfare of your children will be the paramount consideration. This is known as the welfare principle. In deciding what arrangements are in your children’s best interests, checklist of actors must be considered including:

  1. the children’s wishes and feelings (depending on their respective age);
  2. the children’s physical, emotional and educational needs;
  3. the likely effect of any change of circumstances;
  4. the children’s ages, genders, backgrounds and characteristics;
  5. any harm the children have suffered or risks of harm that they face;
  6. the capability of children’s parents or other relevant people in meeting their needs.

Unless you are a risk of harm to your children then it is unlikely that a court would prevent you spending time with them.


What is parental responsibility?

Parental responsibility, sometimes abbreviated to “PR”, embodies all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which (by law) a parent has in relation to their…

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Parental responsibility, sometimes abbreviated to “PR”, embodies all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which (by law) a parent has in relation to their children and the children’s property. It gives you rights and responsibilities when bringing up children, making decisions for children and caring for children.

Having parental responsibility gives you responsibility for important decisions about a child’s welfare such as education, religion and medical care and also over ordinary day-to-day decisions such as nutrition and recreation.

Parental responsibility is important because holders of it are afforded legal status under the Children Act 1989. The Children Act 1989 is the main piece of legislation governing the way in which children are cared for during family breakdown.


What rights do I have in relation to my children after a separation?

What are my rights as a mother? What are my rights as a father? This depends on your circumstances. Both parents have a duty to…

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What are my rights as a mother? What are my rights as a father? This depends on your circumstances.

Both parents have a duty to look after their children. The law doesn’t specify how much time a child spends with each parent. The parents are expected to make their own arrangements regarding where children live, how often they see the other parent and how major life decisions are handled by them. Often, i can help if the parents agree a parenting plan with each other. A mediator or solicitor can help the parents agree a parenting plan if they need help.


Who do the children live with after separation?

This is a decision that could be made between you both as parents without needing any external input. The court believed that the parties best…

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This is a decision that could be made between you both as parents without needing any external input. The court believed that the parties best placed to make important decisions about children’s wellbeing are their parents. If you can’t agree then you could try mediation or speaking to a specialist children and family lawyer. The considerations that you, a mediator, a family law solicitor and a court should take into account when guiding you on this question are the same: what arrangements would be in the best interests of your children and why? It’s important to remember that children thrive off routine, but that in and of itself is not a reason to exclude the other parent from a child’s life.


Who has parental responsibility? If I don’t have parental responsibility, how can I get it?

This isn’t as obvious an answer as you might think. A mother automatically acquires parental responsibility on birth of a child. A father who is…

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This isn’t as obvious an answer as you might think.

A mother automatically acquires parental responsibility on birth of a child.

A father who is married to the mother of a child at the time of the child’s birth also automatically acquires parental responsibility.

An unmarried father does not automatically acquire parental responsibility. If you are an unmarried father, you can acquire (or may have already acquired) parental responsibility in one of six ways: (a) by being registered as a child’s father on their birth certificate, (b) by entering into a parental responsibility agreement, (c) by applying to the court for a parental responsibility order, (d) by being appointed as a guardian over a child on the death of their mother, (e) if a child arrangements order is made in your favour or (f) if you marry your child’s mother.

Step-parents, (a person married/civil partners with one of the child’s natural parents) can obtain parental responsibility either by (a) obtaining a parental responsibility agreement (provided that any people who currently have parental responsibility over the child or children allow you to) and (b) if they don’t, by obtaining a parental responsibility order from the court.

If a parent is cohabiting with another person, that person isn’t considered to be a ‘Step-parent’ and so can’t apply for a parental responsibility order although they may be able to acquire it if a child arrangements order is made which states that the child should live with the cohabiting parent.


Who pays child maintenance?

Child maintenance is paid by a parent who does not spend a set amount of time looking after their children (the paying parent).

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