Info & Advice

What can I do if my ex isn’t spending time with the kids?

There has been a lot of discussion in recent years about the issue of parental alienation. This term refers to situations in which, following divorce or separation, one parent attempts to prevent the other from seeing the children, out of jealousy, resentment or a simple wish to hurt their ex. The concerns expressed seem wholly justified – alienation can seriously damage the relationship between parent and child, and have a lifelong impact.

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But there is another common source of tension and unhappiness when a couple with children separate and it’s one that gets much less attention: when the parent who moved out neglects their children they left behind, no longer seeing them on a regular or consistent basis.

Irregular contact

Perhaps they have developed a habit of cancelling scheduled visits at short notice, or they don’t always phone or FaceTime when they say they will. Perhaps they routinely miss sports days, school plays and similar meaningful events. Disappointed children who may be yearning for the attention and approval of the absent parent are left upset and confused, while the parent they live with is left to pick up the pieces.

This sad situation can be triggered by the absent parent rushing away into an exciting new relationship or demanding job which occupies their time and attention. If and when they do find time for the children of their first relationship, they may try and impose their own schedule regardless of whether it’s a convenient one for their ex or the children themselves.

Especially acrimonious splits can also result in parents who barely speak to each other, and the absent parent then drifting out of their children’s lives.

A relationship with both parents

Children should be able to enjoy a healthy relationship with both parents – unless there is a very good reason for one to be excluded. A happy relationship with Mum and Dad – even if they live apart – boosts social intelligence and emotional health: a legacy which lasts into adult life.

When parents divorce or separate, the mother or father the children continue to live with becomes the ‘resident parent’ in family law, while the one who moves out becomes the ‘non-resident’ parent.

So, what can you do if you are a resident parent and find yourself caught between a neglectful ex and unhappy children? How do you persuade your former partner to find more time for their children? This is a difficult situation and there are no easy solutions. At the end of the day, the goodwill and engagement required will have to come from that other parent. You cannot conjure it from nothing.

Mediation

Communication is the key. Phone or email your ex and explain the reality of the situation as you see it. Make sure they understand the disruption and upset caused by their irregular schedule and failure to spend more time with their kids. Try to avoid the temptation to vent or shout at them. Instead, be as diplomatic as you can and listen to what they have to say. You won’t win them over if they feel attacked.

If your relationship with your former spouse is so strained that one-to-communication is challenging, then neutral, third-party mediation may help. Contact a trained mediator and ask them to help you find common ground. You may want to involve the children themselves in this process. Beyond a certain age, children will certainly have views on the situation and you can help to feel safe expressing those feelings. Hearing those thoughts from an outsider may achieve the breakthrough needed and finally persuade the absent parent to mend their ways.

A child arrangements order

In some cases, a trip to the family court for a child arrangements order may be appropriate. These orders set out the agreed arrangements for children following divorce or separation, including the time they will – or should – spend with each parent. This time is referred to as ‘contact’ in family law.

If the non-resident parent is repeatedly failing to live up to the agreed contact arrangements, a child arrangements order setting out a new contact schedule in black-and-white could bring some needed clarity and focus to the situation. The absent parent will need to commit to the new schedule. Of course, this is a two-way process and the new schedule which should also reflect any concerns or pressures that the non-resident parent brings to the attention of the judge. Talk to a family lawyer to find out more.


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FAQs

We guide you through the basics of family law by answering some popular questions regarding divorce, financial issues and children disputes.

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Am I entitled to child maintenance?

Child maintenance is determined based on the paying parent’s gross income, the number of nights your children stay with them per week and whether the…

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Child maintenance is determined based on the paying parent’s gross income, the number of nights your children stay with them per week and whether the paying parent has to pay maintenance for any children they have with someone else.

Child maintenance will not be payable if:

  1. you share care equally with your child’s other parent;
  2. your child’s other parent is a full time student with no income;
  3. your child’s other parent is in prison.

Are children’s wishes and feelings taken into account?

They can be if they are deemed ascertainable which will depend on the age, level of understanding and level of maturity of your children. Even…

Read More

They can be if they are deemed ascertainable which will depend on the age, level of understanding and level of maturity of your children. Even if taken into account, children’s wishes and feelings are by no means determinative, as the court realises that children often (a) don’t know what they want, (b) don’t know what is best for them and (c) sometimes say say different things to different people.


Can I move abroad with my children?

You can relocate abroad which is also known as removing your child from the jurisdiction if all other people with parental responsibility for the children…

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You can relocate abroad which is also known as removing your child from the jurisdiction if all other people with parental responsibility for the children (usually the other parent) agree. This is unlikely and so most parents wishing to move abroad with their children are forced to make an application to the court. These applications are not straightforward. They can be costly both from a financial and emotional perspective and involve the court undertaking a finely balance assessment of whether a move would be in a child’s best interests. Parents wishing to move abroad must do their research before suggesting this to the other parent or to the court. Where exactly will you live? What will you do for employment? Who will pay for your living costs? Who will serve as your support system in the foreign country? What school will your child go to? How will you ensure that your children do no lose touch with their mother or father and that contact is sustained between them? Swathes of evidence will be required from the parent seeking to move. These are complicated applications that will usually require you to seek legal advice from a specialist family lawyer.


Can I move to another location within the UK with my children?

You can relocate within the UK if all other people with parental responsibility for the children (usually the other parent) agree. Again, as with moving…

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You can relocate within the UK if all other people with parental responsibility for the children (usually the other parent) agree. Again, as with moving abroad, if they don’t then you will need to make an application to court. As with all applications made regarding children, the court will consider what is in the children’s best interests. Detailed evidence will be required from the parent seeking to relocate. These are complicated applications that will usually require you to seek legal advice from a specialist family lawyer.


Can I take my children on holiday after separation?

Yes if: (a) your children’s other parent agrees; or (b) a child arrangements order specifying that your children are to live with you is in…

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Yes if:

(a) your children’s other parent agrees; or

(b) a child arrangements order specifying that your children are to live with you is in place. If it is, then you can take your children on holiday abroad for a period of 4 weeks or less. You could take your child abroad for longer if the other parent agrees; or

(c) where you do not have a child arrangements order specifying that your children live with you and where the children’s other parent does not agree, if you seek permission from the court (leave to remove a child from the jurisdiction).

Under the Child Abduction Act 1984, it is a criminal offence for parents to take their children out of the UK without consent from all other people with parental responsibility.


Can we share care of our children after our split?

Absolutely. You can agree this between yourselves or through solicitors. Shared care can never be exactly half of the year but it can come close.…

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Absolutely. You can agree this between yourselves or through solicitors. Shared care can never be exactly half of the year but it can come close. Do remember to consider who children will spend important days with. Will you alternative Christmases? Who will they spend time with on their own birthdays? Will they stay with their mother on mother’s day and father on father’s day? There are still a lot of considerations to think about. It’s important to be flexible but shared care can create a well balanced routine for all involved.


How do I work out how much child maintenance I have to pay?

You can check this using the Child Maintenance Service calculator. Before you go onto the calculator, you’ll need the following details: your income including any…

Read More

You can check this using the Child Maintenance Service calculator. Before you go onto the calculator, you’ll need the following details:

  • your income including any state pension;
  • any benefits you get;
  • the number of nights your child stay with you.

How do we deal with the children’s feelings during a separation?

Divorce or family breakdown can be very distressing for parents and children alike. Children need reassurance. They may be angry, confused and worried but it…

Read More

Divorce or family breakdown can be very distressing for parents and children alike. Children need reassurance. They may be angry, confused and worried but it is important to stay calm when talking to them about your split. Focus on the positives and on the future. Give them things to look forward to. Remember the golden rules: never disparage their other parent(s) in front of them and don’t seek to use them as weapons during your separation or divorce.

Ultimately, you are no doubt going through an extremely tough time yourself, so do consider whether you could benefit from some external help. Your children could benefit from children and young people’s counselling.


How do we tell the children that we are splitting up?

Preferably, together. It can be a moment that you’ve dreaded for a long time but, if possible, it is useful to take one final united…

Read More

Preferably, together. It can be a moment that you’ve dreaded for a long time but, if possible, it is useful to take one final united stance and tell your children your separating together. We realise that sometimes that just isn’t possible but you could also try to agree what you will say to the children, even if you’re saying to them separately.

Regardless, you will know your children better than anyone else, so strike an appropriate balance based on their age(s) and level of development but avoid overloading them with information they don’t need to know. Reassure and comfort them, letting them know that you’ll both always be there to support them.


How does child custody work?

The first thing to note is that the term “custody” doesn’t exist in England & Wales, it is more an American concept. We refer to…

Read More

The first thing to note is that the term “custody” doesn’t exist in England & Wales, it is more an American concept. We refer to ‘Child Arrangements’, this refers to where a child lives and how often they see the other parent

A child’s welfare is paramount and, whilst the courts would much rather you as parents agree on any decisions regarding arrangements for your child’s care, any decision the court is forced to make about where a child will live and who they spend time with will be determined based on whatever is in the child or children’s best interests. What is in the best interests of children in one family may not be in the best interests of children of another family. There is no one size fits all.


How much child maintenance am I entitled to?

You can check this very easily using the Child Maintenance Service calculator. Before you go onto the calculator, you’ll need the following details for your…

Read More

You can check this very easily using the Child Maintenance Service calculator. Before you go onto the calculator, you’ll need the following details for your child’s other mother or father:

  • their income including any state pension;
  • any benefits they get;
  • the number of nights your child stays with them.

How often do I have to let my ex see the children?

Wrong question. Better question: what is in the best interests of my children? Remember, ultimately, if your ex has parental responsibility over your child, poses…

Read More

Wrong question. Better question: what is in the best interests of my children? Remember, ultimately, if your ex has parental responsibility over your child, poses no risk of harm to them and has demonstrated themselves as a capable parent, it will usually be deemed in the children’s best interests to spend time with them. How often can be a tricky thing to determine in the absence of agreement so you may wish to get advice on your specific circumstances.


What are my rights as a father?

Despite several myths circulating regarding fathers have less rights over their children than mothers, if you already have parental responsibility as a father, then each…

Read More

Despite several myths circulating regarding fathers have less rights over their children than mothers, if you already have parental responsibility as a father, then each of you will start on an equal footing. The welfare of your children will be the paramount consideration. This is known as the welfare principle. In deciding what arrangements are in your children’s best interests, checklist of actors must be considered including:

  1. the children’s wishes and feelings (depending on their respective age);
  2. the children’s physical, emotional and educational needs;
  3. the likely effect of any change of circumstances;
  4. the children’s ages, genders, backgrounds and characteristics;
  5. any harm the children have suffered or risks of harm that they face;
  6. the capability of children’s parents or other relevant people in meeting their needs.

Unless you are a risk of harm to your children then it is unlikely that a court would prevent you spending time with them.


What is parental responsibility?

Parental responsibility, sometimes abbreviated to “PR”, embodies all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which (by law) a parent has in relation to their…

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Parental responsibility, sometimes abbreviated to “PR”, embodies all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which (by law) a parent has in relation to their children and the children’s property. It gives you rights and responsibilities when bringing up children, making decisions for children and caring for children.

Having parental responsibility gives you responsibility for important decisions about a child’s welfare such as education, religion and medical care and also over ordinary day-to-day decisions such as nutrition and recreation.

Parental responsibility is important because holders of it are afforded legal status under the Children Act 1989. The Children Act 1989 is the main piece of legislation governing the way in which children are cared for during family breakdown.


What rights do I have in relation to my children after a separation?

What are my rights as a mother? What are my rights as a father? This depends on your circumstances. Both parents have a duty to…

Read More

What are my rights as a mother? What are my rights as a father? This depends on your circumstances.

Both parents have a duty to look after their children. The law doesn’t specify how much time a child spends with each parent. The parents are expected to make their own arrangements regarding where children live, how often they see the other parent and how major life decisions are handled by them. Often, i can help if the parents agree a parenting plan with each other. A mediator or solicitor can help the parents agree a parenting plan if they need help.


Who do the children live with after separation?

This is a decision that could be made between you both as parents without needing any external input. The court believed that the parties best…

Read More

This is a decision that could be made between you both as parents without needing any external input. The court believed that the parties best placed to make important decisions about children’s wellbeing are their parents. If you can’t agree then you could try mediation or speaking to a specialist children and family lawyer. The considerations that you, a mediator, a family law solicitor and a court should take into account when guiding you on this question are the same: what arrangements would be in the best interests of your children and why? It’s important to remember that children thrive off routine, but that in and of itself is not a reason to exclude the other parent from a child’s life.


Who has parental responsibility? If I don’t have parental responsibility, how can I get it?

This isn’t as obvious an answer as you might think. A mother automatically acquires parental responsibility on birth of a child. A father who is…

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This isn’t as obvious an answer as you might think.

A mother automatically acquires parental responsibility on birth of a child.

A father who is married to the mother of a child at the time of the child’s birth also automatically acquires parental responsibility.

An unmarried father does not automatically acquire parental responsibility. If you are an unmarried father, you can acquire (or may have already acquired) parental responsibility in one of six ways: (a) by being registered as a child’s father on their birth certificate, (b) by entering into a parental responsibility agreement, (c) by applying to the court for a parental responsibility order, (d) by being appointed as a guardian over a child on the death of their mother, (e) if a child arrangements order is made in your favour or (f) if you marry your child’s mother.

Step-parents, (a person married/civil partners with one of the child’s natural parents) can obtain parental responsibility either by (a) obtaining a parental responsibility agreement (provided that any people who currently have parental responsibility over the child or children allow you to) and (b) if they don’t, by obtaining a parental responsibility order from the court.

If a parent is cohabiting with another person, that person isn’t considered to be a ‘Step-parent’ and so can’t apply for a parental responsibility order although they may be able to acquire it if a child arrangements order is made which states that the child should live with the cohabiting parent.


Who pays child maintenance?

Child maintenance is paid by a parent who does not spend a set amount of time looking after their children (the paying parent).

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