Info & Advice

Is it better to live together before marriage?

Moving in with your partner seems like a very sensible idea. You find out just what they’re like to live with on a daily basis without all the intimidating formalities of marriage. But the situation may be more complicated than you think.

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You’ve met someone, things are going great and you’re ready to get serious. A few decades ago, the obvious next step for most couples would have been marriage: that was the norm and few people questioned it. Most couples married in their early 20s: back in 1970 the average age of people getting married for the first time was just 23.

But attitudes have changed dramatically since. Living together without marriage is the new norm. Cohabitating couples are the fastest growing family type in the UK, and there are now an estimated 3.5 million in England and Wales. Back in 1996 there were only 1.5 million: that’s a 137 per cent increase in less than 30 years! The average at which most Britons tie the knot for the first time is now 31.

Changing attitudes

What has driven this significant shift in attitudes? Perhaps the root cause was the invention of modern contraception: this made accidental pregnancy much less of a concern than it was for our grandparents. Couples felt freer to experiment and explore and less willing to make major commitments without being sure they were really the right thing to do. Individual freedoms became the focus as society moved away from traditional, unquestioned norms. The fierce stigma that once surrounded “out of wedlock” births has now completely vanished and more children are now born to unmarried parents in the UK than to married ones. The liberalisation of divorce was another symptom of the same social change: why stay in failing marriage with a spouse you no longer love? Most people saw freedom to move on and rebuild as an undoubted social good.

A good proportion of unmarried couples move on to marriage eventually. They have lived together for however many years, gotten to know each other well, and found that their relationship has remained strong, so they feel confident about making a more serious and formal commitment. It seems a natural thing to do.

Chances of divorce

But reality is, as ever, more complicated. Sociologists have uncovered the curious fact that couples who lived together before marriage actually have a greater chance of getting divorced after their first year of wedded bliss than those who did not (Rosenfeld and Roesler, 2018). Why would this be the case? Living together before the big day means couples have plenty of time to get used to each other’s foibles and quirks, making actual marriage less of an adjustment or shock to the system. But perhaps, beyond that first 12 months, a sense that relationships are contingent and temporary can linger on, leaving either spouse more willing to contemplate divorce than they might otherwise have been.


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FAQs

We guide you through the basics of family law by answering some popular questions regarding divorce, financial issues and children disputes.

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Should we have an Agreement?

Being practical, the answer to that question is very often a firm YES! Answers to problems can be found elsewhere, but if there is a…

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Being practical, the answer to that question is very often a firm YES!

Answers to problems can be found elsewhere, but if there is a Living Together Agreement, properly considered, well-drafted and comprehensively dealing with all the aspects that the couple care about, then there is more certainty and less worry about ‘What if…?’

If people plan to marry, then they can make their agreement a Pre-Nuptial (‘before marriage’) one and if money is being introduced into their lives from relatives, especially as loans, then the financial interests of the third party can be agreed in such an agreement, avoiding arguments about liability for repayment, terms of loan or gift and particularly avoiding them needing to participate in any dispute later on.


We never married and now my ex wants half the house, what do I do?

Before we split up, we bought a house and we entered into a declaration of trust dealing with the ownership of the house. We never…

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Before we split up, we bought a house and we entered into a declaration of trust dealing with the ownership of the house. We never married and now my ex wants half the house. We agreed that they were only entitled to 30% of it and that is what the declaration of trust says. What now?

Firstly, you should pat yourself on the back for being sensible. A declaration of trust is one of the ways you can protect yourself when in a cohabiting relationship. The Declaration of Trust is a legally binding document which sets out the ownership of the property you bought together. The terms of that agreement should be followed, this means your ex should be entitled to 30%. If they want more they would need to go to court and apply (with a very good reason!) for more than 30%. It is very rare for the court to give someone more money than the declaration of trust says so this would only be successful in 1 case in a 1000.

If you cohabit with anyone else again, it might be a good idea to enter into a cohabitation agreement. This sets out the financial arrangements clearly so that if the relationship breaks down, you both know where you stand financially.


What about children?

We deal with children issues elsewhere and the most important thing to know is that married parents, mothers and some fathers have Parental Responsibility as…

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We deal with children issues elsewhere and the most important thing to know is that married parents, mothers and some fathers have Parental Responsibility as a matter of law.   That does not apply to children of the other partner and legal responsibility does not extend to parents’ partners, so without something in place, a parent-figure might have no legal standing.

Have a look at our section on children.


What about if one of us dies?

This is a complicated issue beyond the information we can provide here, but the particular circumstances of a family can be relevant to inheritance issues.  …

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This is a complicated issue beyond the information we can provide here, but the particular circumstances of a family can be relevant to inheritance issues.   In the absence of a Will, the laws of intestacy apply and the rights of a person only ‘living with’ somebody depend on property law, inheritance law and the terms of pension schemes and policies.

Rather than risk that lottery, it is usually better for couples living together to make Wills to say what should happen if they die.


What if we split up?

We put that as part of ‘Should we have an agreement?’ because the agreement can govern the arrangements and provide greater certainty, even if people…

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We put that as part of ‘Should we have an agreement?’ because the agreement can govern the arrangements and provide greater certainty, even if people are happily or tolerably, living together.   Agreements are not simply to say what should happen if people separate, but that is a useful aspect that can be brought in.  Who lives where and what happens about – a sale or buy-out can be dealt with in a Living Together Agreement.   Many of the provisions would follow on from ownership, financial and practical issues considered for inclusion.

‘A stich in time, saves nine’ and thinking about arrangements before things go wrong may even help that not happening.  If somebody shows themselves to be selfish and unreasonable when discussing arrangements for living together, it serves as a warning that may save a broken heart and/or financial disaster later on.  Often people are deflected by an appeal to ‘trust me’ but a little evidence of trustworthiness, such as reasoned discussion before commencing cohabitation can make that easier.

We trust that answers at least some of your questions and sets your thinking on a productive track.


Who owns what?

This is a big topic, but with informal living together arrangements, property law decides who owns what, so it is vitally important that ownership is…

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This is a big topic, but with informal living together arrangements, property law decides who owns what, so it is vitally important that ownership is properly recorded when a property is purchased.   Often property lawyers, don’t like to ask to many questions and often only want to know about auto-inheritance on death which determines whether they register it is as ‘beneficial joint tenancy’ (survivor inherits) or a ‘tenancy in common’ (no automatic inheritance).  The Land Registry proprietorship register says who owns the property and many people expect that the money they contributed or was given/borrowed from families will be respected, but that cannot be presumed.

Belongings are called ‘chattels’ in law and courts are very reluctant to spend time deciding on such things.   There is established law about objects and rights, but arguing or taking it to court is rarely productive.    Far better to have decided the principles to be applied before people split up.


Who pays for what?

Often people develop habits about how finances are run without much discussion or agreement. People have contracts with providers and the businesses get paid.  It…

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Often people develop habits about how finances are run without much discussion or agreement. People have contracts with providers and the businesses get paid.  It is between the people involved in the contract, unless there is some other law that applies, such as for Council Tax.

Far better to talk about such things and agree.

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