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Court & Counselling: A Dad’s story

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Andrew spent four years battling in and out of court to sort out a fair and equitable financial settlement on divorce and fighting hard to ensure his kids weren’t taken away to live in another part of the country

SplittingUp.com founder Joanne Major hears a dad’s story – of how Andrew considered suicide before seeing a counsellor and receiving some life changing advice.

Going to court is never easy, but there are alternatives such as appointing your own Judge for a private financial dispute resolution hearing or arbitration.

Joanne speaks to relationship counsellor Graeme Armstrong about the benefits of counselling when facing life changing issues like divorce, and then discusses what it’s like to go to court – or another route – with Anna Hunter, a specialist divorce and children’s solicitor at Major Family Law.

Transcript

Joanne 0:04

Hello, and thanks for joining me again on the SplittingUp.com podcast. I’m Joanne Major – a family lawyer in the north east of England – and I set up the website to help people going through a separation or divorce and who just don’t know where to turn for help and advice.

In each episode of the podcast we hear from someone who’s been on this journey and has made it out the other side. Today we’ll be hearing about counselling – and how important it is not to “get lost in your loss” and also about the process of going to court and what the alternatives could be.

But before we start I’ve just got to say that as everybody’s situation is different, although our podcast is intended to be helpfully informative and thought-provoking it cannot be taken as legal advice – for more information on our disclaimer please go to the website’s podcast page.

So first, let's hear Andrew's story. As always, it's not his real name. But he has some important things to share. His breakup more than a decade ago was acrimonious - so much so he spent four years in and out of court, as he and his then wife tried to entangle their joint business, their finances and decide what was best for their children who were eight and 10 when everything started falling apart,

Andrew 1:34

I had no understanding of divorce. It was something that happened to other people, not something that happened to me and not something that had happened in our family up until that point. I think the mental health side came to a crux when I was out walking the dogs and got to a bridge and thought, well, I'll just have a sit on this and jump off the side of it there. Being a more probably slightly macho man and decided that this wasn't the way I was, I was heading out of things that that pulled me round at that point. But without an influence from a from a close friend, I probably would have continued in my own headspace and not have looked outside for assistance.

We tried counselling for as as a couple. But I then was convinced by a good friend to speak to a counsellor personally. Within that first hour, it turned around and the advice that I collected at that time was so fundamental to how I behaved through the divorce and how I now feel six, seven years after the final bit of the court proceedings .The biggest thing he said was just be happy with the choices that you make, because if you're happy, even if somebody may say to you, "well, you could have got more you could have done this, you should have done that," if you're happy, then you're gonna go away from being happy and continue to be happy with it.

When you're in the depths of it, you want to fight for every little Hoover and every little kettle or this kind of thing. And at the end of it it's a kettle and a Dyson - it's not the end of anybody's life, you can go and buy another one from from a shop. So try not to just to get sucked into doing that. And the other bit of advice that, again, I still clung to through it all, was try and treat people how you'd like to be treated yourself, which became harder at times.

We had a series of court appearances, it became clear that that was the only point where we were going to get resolution. My experiences within the court building itself were were relatively positive - expensive - but relatively positive that the common sense prevailed in the financial side and common sense prevailed in the children's matter which had been brought about with a desire to move to further down the country with her new partner. We opposed that, as a children had opposed that.

I was very sceptical. I'd seen the bits in the papers that the woman would always win, the man was always on the backfoot or always was going to lose. And I felt very vindicated and supported within that side both from the legal team and the barrister and the judge with her decision making. For both the girls they've stayed here in this area. So the children's schooling was not interrupted.

I was very lucky and privileged with the friends and friendships that I had from people I've known for a lot of years. But most of all the biggest support was was with mum and dad. I felt that I was a failure that we were children who had never seen a separated or even a harsh word between parents. I think don't hide away with this if this has happened or something's going on, talk to people and talk to your nearest and dearest because they they may not fully understand but they will always support you and provide counsel for you.

I'm now just coming up to six years into relationship with a another lady who has really taught me how you can love and be loved and be supported.

Joanne 5:56

Thanks so much, Andrew for talking us through what happened and what was a pretty testing divorce. One of the things that Andrew mentioned was counselling, and although couple counselling together with his wife didn't work, he did find one to one counselling extremely useful. Remember what Andrew said: "It was fundamental to how he behaved during the divorce. And once it was over." Sage words. Well with me today's relationship counsellor Graham Armstrong, who worked for many years in the senior team at the charity RELATE in Newcastle and Graham now works privately as a relationship counsellor. Hello, Graham.

Graeme Armstrong 6:33

Hi, Joanne. Yes, thank you for inviting me.

Joanne 6:36

Super. And it's great to have you with us today. Graham. Could you perhaps just explain to the listeners what exactly is a relationship counsellor?

Graeme Armstrong 6:44

So thanks, Joanne. Yes, I've been a relationship counsellor now for about 22 years. I worked as a couple counsellor working with couples, individuals and families helping to put together difficult or broken relationships and sometimes trying to enhance relationships that had things like communication difficulties, and so on.

Joanne 7:08

When we were listening to Andrew's story there, he was talking about how he found one to one counselling very, very helpful. Can you explain why that might be the case?

Graeme Armstrong 7:20

Well, one of the things that I know about divorce - separation divorces - are generally there are four aspects to divorce: the legal, the financial, the parental and the emotional. And it's this last one that can really help you either sail through the separation or divorce, or really get you kind of snarled up in the process. Often you really can get kind of caught up in process because it is a huge emotional investment in a marriage or a couple's relationship.

Joanne 7:58

Yes, that's that's really interesting. Graham and I know from clients in the past, I remember when you and I first met some years ago, and I remember you saying something to me, which I've repeated to many, many clients since over the years, and that was this. And that was, you said to me that involving a relationship counsellor doesn't necessarily change the outcome. But what it does do is sometimes just help people who are in a difficult place, get into a better place sooner than if they had just been left doing it themselves.

Graeme Armstrong 8:28

Sure. All the kind of research and the studies seem to suggest that counselling in general helps you get to where you need to get to 80%, quicker, faster. And, more importantly, not just about the quicker and faster bit, but clearer, as well. There's the idea that with a relationship counsellor, who has kind of been there before, in a sense and can help guide you through, can help pace you through, you can get to a place of clarity, you can get to a place where you're not so snarled up, not so emotionally caught up in what's happening, which is, you know, very, very easy to do. Very, very easy to do.

Joanne 9:09

And I suppose really, Andrew, what he was saying in his story was maybe fairly typical of gentleman and without sort of trying to sound sexist about it, you know, he made some pretty candid points didn't he about well, you know, I was a sort of traditional macho guy. I didn't feel that I could really talk to anyone. I think women, generally speaking, might open up and talk to friends more, necessarily, than guys. Is this your experience Graham?

Graeme Armstrong 9:32

Yes, there's a big difference, and a very important set of differences between the way men experience and process separation and divorce, and women do. Men can find it harder to seek help. Men can be for example, can be quite plan-based, and that separation and divorce derails and devastates their plans. Men can lose their identity, and in turn their physical and mental health can take a dive through separation or divorce. So whoever you are, you probably need to talk about this, whether you're a man or woman, but even wherever you are, you've never been in this situation before. So it's good to talk to an expert, confidentially. It's good to talk to an expert who knows the emotional, territory, who is professionally been there before, and can help guide you through helping you to, well, express what you can't express.

Joanne:

What else can a relationship counsellor help with?

Graeme Armstrong:

Well, a relationship counsellor will be able to steer you through some of the most common responses to divorce, help you to respond differently, that's really important. It's really easy to find that you can't see the wood for the trees in all this. You don't want to get lost in your loss. You know, you will not respond to the breakup in the same way as your partner either. Men and women process things in different ways. Actually, so do men and men and women and women in same sex relationships, it's not so different. So a relationship counsellor can help you reflect back over your relationship and work through any feelings of well say, guilt, or remorse, and offer advice around this really most stressful situation.

Joanne:

And what about help for the children?

Graeme Armstrong:

Yeah, well counselling can help you and your children cope with the change in family. Many children and teenagers - and even older children, in the 20s - can feel frightened, angry and confused about a divorce. This is their family, this is...they expected this to go on and on ad infinitum. No matter how rocky they sometimes thought their parents relationship is or was. And sometimes they can feel, wrongly, but they can feel responsible for the breakup too. So counselling can help guide your family through this getting self-help to help your children.

Joanne:

Yes, it's a bit like the analogy, isn't it when you're sitting on an aeroplane and before you take off for the safety? I think you know what I'm gonna say here. We've talked about this in the past Graham and indeed it's something I mentioned to clients, and it's about in the safety briefing when they say that in the event of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone next to you. And I think that's essentially really what you're saying. Isn't it really about relationship counselling?

Graeme Armstrong:

Yeah, in a nutshell, in case of emergency breathe.

Joanne:

So what are the legal benefits of getting counselling Graham?

Graeme Armstrong:

Oh, yeah, counselling can help you work better with your lawyer. Counselling is a place separate from legal negotiations where you can process the emotional issues of divorce, and emotional investment in a relationship is one of the biggest emotional investments you're going to have. So you will likely to make better judgments, better decisions about, for example, access to children, financial settlements, when you clear about how you feel that what is best for you emotionally.

Joanne:

So any any tips Graham for the listeners?

Graeme Armstrong:

Yeah, get help. It's not wrong to get help. Take your time to process this - this is really important - don't rush through this, take your time to process things. If you have them, keep connecting with the children. Don't, unless you're already in one, rush into a new relationship - don't feel as if you have to rush into a new relationship. Andrew on the podcast certainly didn't, and really seem to benefit from the time he took to get into a new relationship. Try to maintain a more businesslike relationship with your ex partner. And personally for you, find things that you enjoy doing and do them. You know, divorce, you've got to remember, there is an end - sit doesn't feel like it - but there is an end to it.

Joanne:

And I suppose Graeme, it's always it's always good to get the white elephant out in the room. What about costs? Because a lot of people might think, well, you know, I don't want to approach anyone because I couldn't afford it?

Graeme Armstrong:

Sure, sure. For an individual, for a '50 minute hour', as we call it in counselling, it costs £60 for the counselling session, but one of the things you've got to really bear in mind here of course, is what might be the cost if you don't get help?

Joanne:

That was Graham Armstrong, relationship counsellor, and if you'd like to get in touch with him to arrange a session in person or remotely Graham's details are on the website, SplittingUp.com, along with other experts in counselling, and a bit more background reading.

One thing that Andrew mentioned was that he found going to court helpful in getting him the very best outcome, but it did take four years and decisions can go the other way, as it did, of course with his ex partner. So now I'd like to talk through the process of going to court and some of the alternatives out there such as private financial dispute resolution - employing a private judge to decide - but also things such as collaborative law and arbitration. So to help us talk through all of these different options, I'm joined today by Anna Hunter, a specialist divorce and children's lawyer at Major Family Law. Hello, Anna.

Anna Hunter:

]Hi, Jo.

Joanne:

So let's start with what's involved when going to court.

Anna Hunter:

So in the majority of cases that come to us, we start with the premise that we try to avoid going to court if at all possible. And the majority of couples, they do manage to reach an agreement without needing to issue an application. But there are some couples for a variety of reasons where agreement isn't possible via solicitors or between themselves. So for example, where one or both of the separating couple have a fixed idea of the outcome they want, and there's no flexibility in the discussions, or somebody might have an outcome that they want to achieve, which really isn't realistic, or achievable. In some cases, emotions can run really high, which makes negotiating really difficult, or or there can be a reluctance to share information. So it's very difficult to feel comfortable in looking at settlement terms. And in these types of cases, court is often a necessary and useful step.

So whilst for some court can be a scary prospect, there are people like Andrew, who find it helpful, because it provides a structured timetable to negotiations and discussions. There are fixed court appointments, and being in court provides comfort to some people that there is a clear end point in sight. Ultimately, if no agreement is reached, a judge will make a determination which will end the proceedings.

Joanne:

That's great. Thank you for explaining that Anna, but there are some downsides to going to court as well aren't there?

Anna Hunter:

Oh, absolutely. there are downsides. Proceedings can be stressful and of course, costly. There can also be delays: the court is not a perfect process, and some people can also find court really intimidating, it's difficult going into a court building. Some people find it uncomfortable being in the same room as their ex partner. And in asking the court to determine what a financial settlement looks like, there is an element of personal control over the terms of the agreement that is actually taken away.

Joanne:

Yes, that's right. And I think as you were saying earlier that many clients really certainly, when dealing with financial matters associated with the breakdown of marriage often try and reach their own agreements or with the aid of mediation or with some negotiation with solicitors to try and narrow the issues and get to the point of reaching agreement. And certainly from my experience, in our experience Anna, I would say that's probably the majority of clients, isn't it? And it's probably few cases that actually end up being determined by a judge at court?

Anna Hunter:

Yes, I think that's right. A lot of people will actually come to us with their own agreement asking for us to endorse it or give that give an overview of the terms of settlement. Some people find that going into mediation is really helpful. That's a process where an independent mediator will facilitate a discussion between a couple and help them reach an agreement, but they're not able to give legal advice during the course of that process.

Joanne:

I suppose, though, you know, with regard to the process of mediation, because we both know the advantages of that, that a client can go into mediation, and as you say, they're not being given legal advice by the mediator - the mediators, is there essentially acting as a mediator, a professional referee, but there's nothing preventing anybody is there from privately taking advice while they're going through the process of mediation?

Anna Hunter:

No, that's absolutely right. And I think many mediators do actually encourage couples who are in mediation to take legal advice alongside the mediation process.

Joanne:

But I suppose ultimately, like as Andrew said, in his particular case, that he only really got what he was seeking by putting the decision in the hands of the judge.

Anna Hunter:

Yes, absolutely, and I think some cases are entrenched, and negotiations in whatever format become really too difficult and a determination by somebody completely independent is required. The judge does have a wide discretion as to the award that's made. And so, for Andrew, he had a favourable outcome, but equally, another judge on another day could have made a completely different determination which he would have perhaps not been so favourable to him.

Joanne:

Sure. And that's essentially we call as lawyers the sort of judicial risk, it's the risk of litigation.

Anna Hunter:

Yes, bit of a lottery.

Joanne:

So what are the alternatives to court Anna?

Anna Hunter:

Well, there are a number of alternatives. We've touched on mediation, increasingly couples are using a process called a "private FDR." One of the most important hearings within a financial remedy application is the FDR, which stands for Financial Dispute Resolution appointment. This is a court hearing where a judge will hear a summary of each party's case and give an early indication of the parameters of an award to the couple to help their negotiations. So increasingly, couples are choosing to hold a private FDR where they will jointly instruct a financial remedy specialists to act as a private judge.

Joanne:

So who would this suit?

Anna Hunter:

Well, this suits a lot of couples, it's not just what we call Big Money cases, it's increasingly an attractive option for many people. It allows for a bespoke hearing so that the parties can choose together a chosen expert in the field, who will provide a neutral evaluation. So for those people who want certainty in terms of the expert, who will be evaluating their case, it's ideal. It gives flexibility as to time, venue, it bypasses the court delays that we talked about a little earlier, and also offers privacy because some court hearings are open to journalists should they wish to attend.

Joanne:

I suppose it's fair to say though, with these private FDRs, Financial Dispute Resolution hearings, there's a cost though isn't there Anna?

Anna Hunter:

Well, there is a cost, but in my experience, it is a slightly greater cost than an FDR being held at court. But possibly it's a cost worth taking into account, because you're given guarantees that your hearing is going to proceed, I think I find that couples who've invested in the process jointly tend to work harder to reach a settlement in that private FDR, because they both agreed to go along to it, it's not something that's court-imposed, it's something that they've jointly chosen to do.

Joanne:

And I suppose ultimately, the the guidance that's been given by the chosen expert is a specialist family lawyer anyway, it's either normally a judge or an experienced barrister. So both parties should have the comfort and the decision that's being made is probably an accurate and a fair one?

Anna Hunter:

Yes, I think that's right, the expert that the couples will choose will be identified as someone who's either been practising family law for a very long time, usually will sit as a if not a part time judge or an arbitrator. So the couple will have confidence that their expertise is going to provide a fair and reasonable settlement proposals.

Joanne:

So what about collaborative law? Some some of the listeners might have heard Collaborative Law. So can you just explain to us what this means?

Anna Hunter:

Yes, that's a very different type of process, because one of the key principles of the collaborative process is that couples who sign up to it, commit at the outset, not to issue any court applications during the time that they're engaged in the collaborative process.

Joanne:

So I suppose it's completely the opposite to litigation, then isn't it?

Anna Hunter:

Yes, completely, although with the same outcome in the hope that the parties will reach a settlement, at the end of the process, each party will instruct their own solicitor. And there'll be a series of round the table meetings conducted where everyone's in attendance and open discussions about terms of settlement, what a fair settlement or agreement might look like taking into account various factors relevant to that couple, such as circumstances of the children, their ages, it allows again, for a more bespoke experience than perhaps the court process does.

Joanne:

So I suppose dealing with a collaborative process where there's an agreement at the very outset of the process, you're not going to be going to court. I guess that's a very good effective process. Is it for couples who, I guess so using the phrase divorcing with dignity and want to perhaps together reach that agreed settlement between the two of them that the both on the same hymn sheet? And what about arbitration? I mean, that's something that's actually been around now in legal circles for quite some time. But, again, I think it's not something that's commonly used in relation to financial remedy proceedings or indeed, children's proceedings. So could you just explain a little bit to the listeners about arbitration and what that is?

Anna Hunter:

Yes, arbitration is perhaps more similar to the private FDR that we were just talking about, in that the couple will, again, identify a suitable arbitrator that they both approve of, to head up their arbitration process. It again offers the freedom and flexibility of being able to choose the arbitrator, choose your venue, choose the time and in arbitration process, perhaps even limit the documents that you want to rely on, or the issues that you want to be determined. But at the end of that process, the arbitrator will be instructed to make an award. So a determination, which is which is binding upon both parties. Both parties agree at the outset of the arbitration process that they will be bound by whatever decision the arbitrator reaches about their case.

Joanne:

Brilliant. Thanks very much indeed, Anna, for talking us through all of those different options.

Anna Hunter:

Thank you for having me.

Joanne:

That was Anna Hansa, a specialist awards and children's solicitor at Major Family Law. And as always, if you'd like to contact Anna or Councillor Graham Armstrong, who we heard from earlier, their details are on the SplittingUp.com website. That's all for now. I'm Joanne Major. Thanks for listening, and I'll see you next time.

FAQs

We guide you through the basics of family law by answering some popular questions regarding divorce, financial issues and children disputes.

Talk to an expert


Am I entitled to child maintenance?

Child maintenance is determined based on the paying parent’s gross income, the number of nights your children stay with them per week and whether the…

Read More

Child maintenance is determined based on the paying parent’s gross income, the number of nights your children stay with them per week and whether the paying parent has to pay maintenance for any children they have with someone else.

Child maintenance will not be payable if:

  1. you share care equally with your child’s other parent;
  2. your child’s other parent is a full time student with no income;
  3. your child’s other parent is in prison.

Are children’s wishes and feelings taken into account?

They can be if they are deemed ascertainable which will depend on the age, level of understanding and level of maturity of your children. Even…

Read More

They can be if they are deemed ascertainable which will depend on the age, level of understanding and level of maturity of your children. Even if taken into account, children’s wishes and feelings are by no means determinative, as the court realises that children often (a) don’t know what they want, (b) don’t know what is best for them and (c) sometimes say say different things to different people.


Are my rights dependent on my reasons for divorce?

No. There is now no need to cite any reasons for wanting a divorce as you simply need to declare that the marriage has broken…

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No. There is now no need to cite any reasons for wanting a divorce as you simply need to declare that the marriage has broken down irretrievably.


Are there any alternatives to divorce?

If divorce is not an option for you maybe because of, say, religious beliefs, it is possible to obtain an order for judicial separation or…

Read More

If divorce is not an option for you maybe because of, say, religious beliefs, it is possible to obtain an order for judicial separation or a nullity order without having to prove that your marriage has irretrievably broken down. For specialist advice on the process and the effects of nullity and judicial separation speak to a specialist divorce and family lawyer.

Remember an alternative to divorce is also not splitting up. You could stay together and try to work on your issues. Speak to a relationship counsellor in confidence.


Can I change the locks? Can my partner force entry?

Can I change the locks? Technically, yes. Can my partner force entry? Technically, yes. Something to be aware of is that, if you and your…

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Can I change the locks? Technically, yes. Can my partner force entry? Technically, yes. Something to be aware of is that, if you and your husband or wife own the family home in joint names, they are not committing any crime by gaining entry to the family home. If you can no longer tolerate living with each other, it’s much better for you to agree temporary living arrangements that do not cause hostility.

If you don’t own the property jointly but you have registered a ‘homes right’ against a property you live in which is owned by your spouse, then the same response applied. You can change the locks, and the owning spouse can also gain entry to the property.


Can I choose my own solicitor or lawyer at a family law firm?

Sometimes. This will largely depend on the firm’s caseload and internal structure. Family lawyers usually co-work cases in small teams. A solicitor may handle your…

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Sometimes. This will largely depend on the firm’s caseload and internal structure. Family lawyers usually co-work cases in small teams. A solicitor may handle your matter on a day-to-day basis together with assistants, support staff and oversight from a partner or director. You would pay a blended rate for the time each fee earner’s spends progressing your case. If your matter is not particularly complex then there may be no need for you to pay the rates of a partner or director. If you are undergoing and international divorce or have complex financial affairs you may need to speak to someone with more experience which will naturally come at a greater cost to you. If you are offered a solicitor who is cheaper than your solicitor of choice, then it’s always worth considering it as you’ll save money and likely still have some input from your solicitor of choice. Family law teams chat with each other regularly.


Can I move abroad with my children?

You can relocate abroad which is also known as removing your child from the jurisdiction if all other people with parental responsibility for the children…

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You can relocate abroad which is also known as removing your child from the jurisdiction if all other people with parental responsibility for the children (usually the other parent) agree. This is unlikely and so most parents wishing to move abroad with their children are forced to make an application to the court. These applications are not straightforward. They can be costly both from a financial and emotional perspective and involve the court undertaking a finely balance assessment of whether a move would be in a child’s best interests. Parents wishing to move abroad must do their research before suggesting this to the other parent or to the court. Where exactly will you live? What will you do for employment? Who will pay for your living costs? Who will serve as your support system in the foreign country? What school will your child go to? How will you ensure that your children do no lose touch with their mother or father and that contact is sustained between them? Swathes of evidence will be required from the parent seeking to move. These are complicated applications that will usually require you to seek legal advice from a specialist family lawyer.


Can I move to another location within the UK with my children?

You can relocate within the UK if all other people with parental responsibility for the children (usually the other parent) agree. Again, as with moving…

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You can relocate within the UK if all other people with parental responsibility for the children (usually the other parent) agree. Again, as with moving abroad, if they don’t then you will need to make an application to court. As with all applications made regarding children, the court will consider what is in the children’s best interests. Detailed evidence will be required from the parent seeking to relocate. These are complicated applications that will usually require you to seek legal advice from a specialist family lawyer.


Can I remarry after my divorce?

Yes. Once you the final order of divorce has been issued, your marriage is terminated and you can remarry. Do pay attention to any financial…

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Yes. Once you the final order of divorce has been issued, your marriage is terminated and you can remarry. Do pay attention to any financial order you have agreed with your husband or wife / any financial orders that a court has made, as certain types of financial provision may come to an end on your remarriage. It may be a good idea to seek advice from a solicitor before you remarry to ensure that you understand what financial obligations from your former spouse will terminate as a result.


Can I take my children on holiday after separation?

Yes if: (a) your children’s other parent agrees; or (b) a child arrangements order specifying that your children are to live with you is in…

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Yes if:

(a) your children’s other parent agrees; or

(b) a child arrangements order specifying that your children are to live with you is in place. If it is, then you can take your children on holiday abroad for a period of 4 weeks or less. You could take your child abroad for longer if the other parent agrees; or

(c) where you do not have a child arrangements order specifying that your children live with you and where the children’s other parent does not agree, if you seek permission from the court (leave to remove a child from the jurisdiction).

Under the Child Abduction Act 1984, it is a criminal offence for parents to take their children out of the UK without consent from all other people with parental responsibility.


Can I take or make copies of my husband or wife’s private documents?

No. There is no right to self-help under family law in England & Wales. If you take a document belonging to your husband or wife…

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No. There is no right to self-help under family law in England & Wales. If you take a document belonging to your husband or wife spouse without their knowledge or consent, this is known as “self-help”. The court does not condone self-help to a spouse’s confidential information even where it is feared that a spouse will not provide full and frank disclosure.

Self-help takes place when a person without consent, obtains information or documentation that the other person did not give them access to. Confidential communications concerned with your spouse’s private life, including their personal finances and business dealings, are likely to be confidential. This could be if you read your spouse’s diary, open their letters or intercept their emails.

It follows that it is illegal for a party to examine, make, retain, or supply copies of confidential documentation to their solicitor where the contents of such documentation are considered to be confidential to their spouse.

If your spouse has always permitted you to look at their private communications during the relationship, you should expect this to change when your relationship breaks down. As such, you shouldn’t look at any private communications after the relationship has broken down without express permission to do so.


Can I talk to someone about divorce and what it means?

Yes, you can either search for your own solicitor or speak to one of the highly regarded specialist family lawyers that we would recommend.


Can we go for counselling during our divorce?

Yes of course. Your divorce isn’t final until the final order is issued and no one can blame you for wanting to be sure that…

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Yes of course. Your divorce isn’t final until the final order is issued and no one can blame you for wanting to be sure that you’re doing the right thing. Relate is an organisation offering relationship counselling for a whole host of issues. They have centres across the UK and a network of licensed local counsellors as well as phone, email and live chat counselling.


Can we share care of our children after our split?

Absolutely. You can agree this between yourselves or through solicitors. Shared care can never be exactly half of the year but it can come close.…

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Absolutely. You can agree this between yourselves or through solicitors. Shared care can never be exactly half of the year but it can come close. Do remember to consider who children will spend important days with. Will you alternative Christmases? Who will they spend time with on their own birthdays? Will they stay with their mother on mother’s day and father on father’s day? There are still a lot of considerations to think about. It’s important to be flexible but shared care can create a well balanced routine for all involved.


Do I get maintenance during and after my divorce? Do I have to pay maintenance for my spouse during and after divorce?

It depends. There are two broad types of maintenance: (a) child maintenance and (b) spousal maintenance. We’ll talk about spousal maintenance here. Have a look…

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It depends. There are two broad types of maintenance: (a) child maintenance and (b) spousal maintenance. We’ll talk about spousal maintenance here. Have a look out our children section for information on child maintenance which can be payable by the Child Maintenance Service or by Court Order, or in some cases both.

Spousal maintenance is an income order which requires one of you to make periodical payments to the other either for a fixed-term, until a defined date or, less commonly, for the rest of your lives. Spousal maintenance would be awarded where one of you is unable to support yourself i.e. your reasonable outgoings exceed your income and the other person is able to meet that need out of their income.

This sort of financial support can be reviewed if the recipient’s or payer’s circumstances change. Court’s can adjust the term for which maintenance is paid and the amount of maintenance paid.


Do I have to disclose all of my assets during a divorce?

Yes. Without doing so, neither your solicitors nor the courts will be able to assess fair settlement terms. You and your spouse have a duty…

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Yes. Without doing so, neither your solicitors nor the courts will be able to assess fair settlement terms. You and your spouse have a duty to disclose all of your assets in a manner that is full, frank and transparent. Your duty of full and frank disclosure is a duty owed to the court. You and your husband or wife will regularly be asked to sign statements of truth i.e. statements whereby you are telling your solicitors, your spouse and the court that all of the information you have included in a document or statement is true. Even if a financial remedy order isn’t imposed on you and you and your spouse agree settlement terms amicably, you will still have to complete a Statement of Information in which you are asked to confirm the full extent of your income and capital resources. You must sign this to prove that you have disclosed a full picture of your financial position. There are severe consequences for a person whose disclosure is found to be false:

  1. a financial order may be set aside;
  2. proceedings maybe be brought against you for contempt of court, which could lead to a term of imprisonment or to a fine;
  3. you may be penalised on costs meaning that you would be ordered to pay some of your husband or wife’s legal costs for financial matters;
  4. if you are deliberately untruthful in your disclosure, criminal proceedings may be brought against you under the Fraud Act 2006.

Do I need a solicitor or lawyer to get divorced? Can I conduct divorce proceedings myself?

It’s totally your choice based on your budget but there are obvious advantages of being represented by a specialist family law solicitor or lawyer. If…

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It’s totally your choice based on your budget but there are obvious advantages of being represented by a specialist family law solicitor or lawyer. If you and your spouse both agree that your marriage has irretrievably broken down, then you may feel confident enough to conduct divorce proceedings yourself using the government website. We would always advise speaking to a solicitor, at least in the first instance.


Do we have to sell the house?

Maybe. It will depend entirely on your circumstances and whether there would be enough money to meet both of your needs if you didn’t sell.…

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Maybe. It will depend entirely on your circumstances and whether there would be enough money to meet both of your needs if you didn’t sell.

Sometimes a couple live in a property that is much bigger than they really need. When they split up the court may want the house to be sold so that each can afford to live in a smaller property. This is very fact dependant, and it is a good idea to factor in the costs of buying and selling to see whether this is an affordable option.


How can we reach an amicable financial settlement?

Honesty and compromise. Often the fairest financial settlements don’t leave either party feeling particularly over the moon. Listen to the experts. If you don’t want…

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Honesty and compromise. Often the fairest financial settlements don’t leave either party feeling particularly over the moon. Listen to the experts. If you don’t want to follow their advice and simply want to agree “x” with your spouse, then you can still do so, the solicitor may just ask you to sign a disclaimer to acknowledge that they have advised you that what you are accepting might not be in your best interests. You may have considered the pros and cons and decided to cut your losses to make things go away. That’s your prerogative, but it’s much easier to be confident of your decision after speaking with a specialist family lawyer.


How do I find the best divorce lawyers in my area?

Usually, it’s best to do your own research through word of mouth, reviews and actually meeting your solicitor to see if it is the right…

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Usually, it’s best to do your own research through word of mouth, reviews and actually meeting your solicitor to see if it is the right fit. There are several good solicitors out there, but not every solicitor is for every client and vice versa. If you want to speak to one of the divorce solicitors that we deal with then you can free of charge using a free initial consultation.


How do I know if there are any assets to split during a divorce?

Do some digging. A good starting place is the court document known as the Form E (Financial Statement). The Form E asks you for various…

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Do some digging. A good starting place is the court document known as the Form E (Financial Statement). The Form E asks you for various pieces of information with documentary evidence in support. It will alert you to the information needed, for example, equity in any properties in your name, savings and pensions. Look through your bank statements as a reminder of your capital, liabilities, income and outgoings.

Even if you don’t have many or any assets to split at present, it is important to still seek to resolve financial matters by way of a clean break order. This prevents you having to look over your shoulder in case your former spouse seeks a financial order from you further down the line if you acquire assets after your marriage. Divorce in and of itself does not dismiss your ex’s financial claims until a final financial remedy order is made.


How do I start divorce proceedings? How do I apply for a divorce?

Divorce proceedings are commenced by completing a divorce application. You should be able to start divorce proceedings online: https://www.gov.uk/apply-for-divorce. The court charges a mandatory fee…

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Divorce proceedings are commenced by completing a divorce application. You should be able to start divorce proceedings online: https://www.gov.uk/apply-for-divorce. The court charges a mandatory fee of £593 for processing your divorce application regardless of whether you do it yourself or go through a solicitor. The court fee changes from time to time. If you are in difficult financial circumstances the court may allow you to reduce your fee, you should look at the ‘Help with fees’ application on the government website.


How do I stop my husband or wife getting anything in the divorce?

You can’t really. The court will be looking to achieve a fair outcome when it comes to splitting your assets. Even if your husband or…

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You can’t really. The court will be looking to achieve a fair outcome when it comes to splitting your assets. Even if your husband or wife agrees to take nothing or a limited amount after your split, you still need to inform the court of your asset base, income and the specific terms of your agreement. The court will not rubber stamp an agreement that is patently unfair.

The best option to minimise claims after a marriage or civil partnership is to enter into the terms of a pre-nuptial agreement. This won’t be endorsed by the court if the terms of the agreement are unfair, but it will prevent your spouse from taking a bigger share of your assets and income than they need.


How do I work out how much child maintenance I have to pay?

You can check this using the Child Maintenance Service calculator. Before you go onto the calculator, you’ll need the following details: your income including any…

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You can check this using the Child Maintenance Service calculator. Before you go onto the calculator, you’ll need the following details:

  • your income including any state pension;
  • any benefits you get;
  • the number of nights your child stay with you.

How do we deal with the children’s feelings during a separation?

Divorce or family breakdown can be very distressing for parents and children alike. Children need reassurance. They may be angry, confused and worried but it…

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Divorce or family breakdown can be very distressing for parents and children alike. Children need reassurance. They may be angry, confused and worried but it is important to stay calm when talking to them about your split. Focus on the positives and on the future. Give them things to look forward to. Remember the golden rules: never disparage their other parent(s) in front of them and don’t seek to use them as weapons during your separation or divorce.

Ultimately, you are no doubt going through an extremely tough time yourself, so do consider whether you could benefit from some external help. Your children could benefit from children and young people’s counselling.


How do we tell the children that we are splitting up?

Preferably, together. It can be a moment that you’ve dreaded for a long time but, if possible, it is useful to take one final united…

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Preferably, together. It can be a moment that you’ve dreaded for a long time but, if possible, it is useful to take one final united stance and tell your children your separating together. We realise that sometimes that just isn’t possible but you could also try to agree what you will say to the children, even if you’re saying to them separately.

Regardless, you will know your children better than anyone else, so strike an appropriate balance based on their age(s) and level of development but avoid overloading them with information they don’t need to know. Reassure and comfort them, letting them know that you’ll both always be there to support them.


How does child custody work?

The first thing to note is that the term “custody” doesn’t exist in England & Wales, it is more an American concept. We refer to…

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The first thing to note is that the term “custody” doesn’t exist in England & Wales, it is more an American concept. We refer to ‘Child Arrangements’, this refers to where a child lives and how often they see the other parent

A child’s welfare is paramount and, whilst the courts would much rather you as parents agree on any decisions regarding arrangements for your child’s care, any decision the court is forced to make about where a child will live and who they spend time with will be determined based on whatever is in the child or children’s best interests. What is in the best interests of children in one family may not be in the best interests of children of another family. There is no one size fits all.


How does the divorce process work? What are the stages of the divorce process?

For an application where one spouse filed the divorce application it is as follows. Divorce application is served on (sent to) your husband or wife,…

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For an application where one spouse filed the divorce application it is as follows.

  • Divorce application is served on (sent to) your husband or wife, (the Respondent);
  • Respondent completes and sends to the court an Acknowledgement of Service form;
  • 20 weeks after the date the divorce application was issued the applicant applies to the court for a conditional order of divorce (formerly known as the decree nisi). This states that, based on the information and documentation that the court has seen to date, the court is willing to grant the applicant a divorce in due course.
  • The conditional order is made by the court;
  • Six weeks and one day after the conditional order is made, the applicant may apply to the court for the final order terminating their marriage (formerly known as the decree absolute).
  • The final order of divorce is made and the marriage terminated. This essentially replaces your marriage certificate and acts as formal proof that your marriage is dissolved.

The process is slightly different if you and your spouse agree to file a joint application for divorce. Although the conditional order and final order stages are the same, the court doesn’t require the second applicant to complete an acknowledgement of service form. Instead, the second respondent needs to confirm that they have received the notice sent by the court.

If you are sorting out finances with your spouse alongside the divorce (which is recommended), solicitors may advise that you do not apply for a final order until a final financial order is agreed. This is because divorce terminates marriage and means that, if your spouse were to die before a financial order was made but after you had terminated your marriage, you would no longer be entitled to all of the benefits that you otherwise would be as their existing spouse.


How long does a divorce take?

How long is a piece of string? Honestly, it really does depend on a number of factors: Do you have your original marriage certificate? How…

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How long is a piece of string? Honestly, it really does depend on a number of factors:

  • Do you have your original marriage certificate?
  • How difficult is your husband or wife?
  • Do you intend to file a joint application with your spouse?
  • How organised are you? How organised is your husband or wife?
  • How busy is your solicitor or your spouse’s solicitor?
  • How many people are currently getting divorce in England & Wales and how quickly are the courts able to process all of those applications.
  • Will you wait until your finances are resolved by way of a formal financial order from the court (which can also be based on an agreement with your spouse – a consent order) before applying for a final order (formerly known as a Decree Absolute)?

If we are calling a spade a spade and being realistic, it can take an average of 18 months!


How much child maintenance am I entitled to?

You can check this very easily using the Child Maintenance Service calculator. Before you go onto the calculator, you’ll need the following details for your…

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You can check this very easily using the Child Maintenance Service calculator. Before you go onto the calculator, you’ll need the following details for your child’s other mother or father:

  • their income including any state pension;
  • any benefits they get;
  • the number of nights your child stays with them.

How much does a divorce cost?

How long is a piece of string? If your divorce is very straightforward and you and your husband or wife agree on everything, then you…

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How long is a piece of string? If your divorce is very straightforward and you and your husband or wife agree on everything, then you may be able to represent yourself in divorce proceedings. If this is the case, then you may only need to pay the court fee of £550. If your spouse instructs a solicitor, you may wish to do the same to ensure that you have what we call equality of arms – the opportunity to be represented to the same degree as your husband or wife. Costs do go up if instructing a solicitor but sometimes it is a price worth paying. Only you can decide.

Are there any fixed price or fixed-fee options? Some solicitors do offer fixed price (fixed-fee) packages for divorce because it can be a straightforward process. You can always speak to a specialist divorce and family lawyer offering a free initial consultation and fixed-fee divorce package to find out more.


How much will it cost to split our assets during a divorce?

Positive communication and negotiation between separating parties is important where possible. The more agreement and cooperation there is, the more straightforward and less expensive the…

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Positive communication and negotiation between separating parties is important where possible. The more agreement and cooperation there is, the more straightforward and less expensive the process will be.

Are there any fixed price or fixed-fee options? Every law firm adopts a different pricing structures, so speak to a solicitor to find out more about the options they offer.


How often do I have to let my ex see the children?

Wrong question. Better question: what is in the best interests of my children? Remember, ultimately, if your ex has parental responsibility over your child, poses…

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Wrong question. Better question: what is in the best interests of my children? Remember, ultimately, if your ex has parental responsibility over your child, poses no risk of harm to them and has demonstrated themselves as a capable parent, it will usually be deemed in the children’s best interests to spend time with them. How often can be a tricky thing to determine in the absence of agreement so you may wish to get advice on your specific circumstances.


How soon can I get a divorce or dissolve a civil partnership?

To get a divorce or get a dissolution in England or Wales, you have to have been married or in a civil partnership for one…

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To get a divorce or get a dissolution in England or Wales, you have to have been married or in a civil partnership for one year or more.


How soon is too soon to remarry?

This is up to you but pay attention to any financial orders between you and your former spouse. Certain types of financial provision, for example…

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This is up to you but pay attention to any financial orders between you and your former spouse. Certain types of financial provision, for example spousal maintenance, will come to an end on your remarriage.


How will my finances be split after divorce?

“Fairly”. If you are married or in a Civil Partnership then you and your spouse have legal rights, duties and responsibilities in respect of one…

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“Fairly”.

If you are married or in a Civil Partnership then you and your spouse have legal rights, duties and responsibilities in respect of one another. The process that determines the way in which your property and other financial assets are divided is known as financial remedy. It is a separate process to that of divorce.

Although you won’t always have to go to court and a lot of cases settle outside of a court environment, it’s important to reference what a court would do because ultimately, if you can’t agree, that’s where you’re both headed. A court would aim to achieve a fair split of the assets. Fairness in light of all of the circumstances of the case giving first consideration to the welfare of any children.


How will my pension(s) be split or affected after divorce?

Pensions are a complex area of family law. Pensions are tax efficient investment vehicles designed to produce income and maybe some capital, during your retirement.…

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Pensions are a complex area of family law. Pensions are tax efficient investment vehicles designed to produce income and maybe some capital, during your retirement. Sometimes, the valuations you are given in respect of your pension are poor reflections of the benefits that your pensions scheme will actually provide you. Pensions can be the biggest asset after the family home. It’s therefore very important that you and your spouse seek independent financial advice from a specialist pension on divorce expert who is experienced in this area to give you advice.

Broadly speaking there are a few ways in which the court would deal with your pension(s):

  1. Pension sharing – a way for one of you to share a percentage of your pension with your former spouse, this order can’t be varied if circumstances change at a later date;
  2. Pensions offsetting – a way to offset the value of the pension against other assets. It’s important to note that £1 in a pension fund is not with £1 in cash (savings or property). There is no widely accepted way of calculating what would a fair sum to take instead of sharing in your husband of wife’s pension would be;
  3. Pension attachment (rare) – another way of taking an interest in your spouse’s pension. Pension attachment means that you would become entitled to a proportion of your former spouse’s pension income or capital without having any influence over when and how they take their pension benefits. It also means that there would be no clean break between you and your husband. Most people find that pension attachment offers little certainty as the order can be varied if circumstances change.

I’m unhappy in my marriage, what do I do?

If you’re unsure whether the finality of divorce is really what you want or if you need help to come to terms with your separation…

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If you’re unsure whether the finality of divorce is really what you want or if you need help to come to terms with your separation and the end of your marriage, we recommend you first speak in confidence with a relationship counsellor who can work with you to help you to deal with what has happened and how to move on. If you have children, a relationship counsellor can help you to support your children with what is happening. Relate are an organisation that have experience in counselling people from different backgrounds, including LGBT individuals and couples, so they can be a good place to start when looking for relationship counselling.

If you are experiencing a relationship breakdown, you will probably have a lot of questions about the legal process of divorce, alternatives to divorce, information surrounding making arrangements for your children and splitting your finances.

Whilst the divorce process itself is administrative, the issues surrounding splitting up and ending your marriage are often more complex and need to be dealt with sympathetically, fairly, and efficiently. Getting advice or reviewing our guides early is crucial in helping you know what to expect so you can plan for the journey.


Is a consent order legally binding?

Yes, provided the order has been approved by a court. If this is the case, you will be provided with a formal court order stating…

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Yes, provided the order has been approved by a court. If this is the case, you will be provided with a formal court order stating your case number, your name, your husband or wife full name and the name of the court it was approved by. This could be, for example, the Family Court at Newcastle-upon-Tyne.


Is any support available for me whilst I find somewhere else to live?

You and your husband or wife could always agree that if one of you moves out, you share the costs of your mortgage and any…

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You and your husband or wife could always agree that if one of you moves out, you share the costs of your mortgage and any rental. If you can live with friends or family, that could be an option for savings costs. If you have relied on your spouse for financial support during your marriage and you suddenly find yourself unable to meet yours and your children’s essential interim needs, then you may be able to ask for maintenance pending suit (“MPS”). If you are in a predicament of real need and your spouse can afford to meet the shortfall between your income and reasonable outgoings, then your spouse may be ordered to pay maintenance pending suit until the overall financial matters are resolved.

You will only be able to apply for MPS either when or after a divorce application is filed at court.

MPS is known as an order pending the outcome of proceedings in a Civil Partnership context.


Should we have an Agreement?

Being practical, the answer to that question is very often a firm YES! Answers to problems can be found elsewhere, but if there is a…

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Being practical, the answer to that question is very often a firm YES!

Answers to problems can be found elsewhere, but if there is a Living Together Agreement, properly considered, well-drafted and comprehensively dealing with all the aspects that the couple care about, then there is more certainty and less worry about ‘What if…?’

If people plan to marry, then they can make their agreement a Pre-Nuptial (‘before marriage’) one and if money is being introduced into their lives from relatives, especially as loans, then the financial interests of the third party can be agreed in such an agreement, avoiding arguments about liability for repayment, terms of loan or gift and particularly avoiding them needing to participate in any dispute later on.


We married abroad, can I still get a divorce in England & Wales?

The answer to this question is fact-specific and can be far from straightforward. The default position is that, if you usually live in England and…

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The answer to this question is fact-specific and can be far from straightforward. The default position is that, if you usually live in England and Wales or you consider yourself to be domiciled in England and Wales, and your overseas marriage is valid in England and Wales, you should be able to divorce in England & Wales.

You can prove validity of marriage by producing a marriage certificate issued by the relevant authority in accordance with the marriage registration laws of the country in which you married.

This can be a complicated area of law, so we suggest that you speak to a specialist divorce and family lawyer.


We never married and now my ex wants half the house, what do I do?

Before we split up, we bought a house and we entered into a declaration of trust dealing with the ownership of the house. We never…

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Before we split up, we bought a house and we entered into a declaration of trust dealing with the ownership of the house. We never married and now my ex wants half the house. We agreed that they were only entitled to 30% of it and that is what the declaration of trust says. What now?

Firstly, you should pat yourself on the back for being sensible. A declaration of trust is one of the ways you can protect yourself when in a cohabiting relationship. The Declaration of Trust is a legally binding document which sets out the ownership of the property you bought together. The terms of that agreement should be followed, this means your ex should be entitled to 30%. If they want more they would need to go to court and apply (with a very good reason!) for more than 30%. It is very rare for the court to give someone more money than the declaration of trust says so this would only be successful in 1 case in a 1000.

If you cohabit with anyone else again, it might be a good idea to enter into a cohabitation agreement. This sets out the financial arrangements clearly so that if the relationship breaks down, you both know where you stand financially.


We’re married, who gets the family home?

If you are married, then you and your husband or wife have legal rights, duties and responsibilities in respect of one another. People’s main concern…

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If you are married, then you and your husband or wife have legal rights, duties and responsibilities in respect of one another. People’s main concern when getting divorced is how they will cope financially and how the assets and debts of the relationship will be dealt with. The process that determines the way in which your property and other financial assets are divided is known as financial remedy. It is a separate process to that of divorce.

Although you won’t always have to go to court and a lot of cases settle outside of a court environment, it’s important to reference what a court would do because ultimately, if you can’t agree, that’s where you’re both headed. A court would aim to achieve a fair split of the assets. Fairness in light of all of the circumstances of the case giving first consideration to the welfare of any children. In deciding what is fair the court will consider:

  1. yours and your spouse’s resources – property, capital, income, earning capacity;
  2. yours and your spouse’s needs, obligations and responsibilities;
  3. your marital standard of living;
  4. yours and your spouse’s respective ages;
  5. how long you were married for;
  6. any physical or mental disabilities;
  7. yours and your spouse’s contributions to the welfare of the family;
  8. yours and your spouse’s conduct (not ordinary bad behaviour).

There’s no set formula for how to assess fairness.


We’re not married, what are my rights when splitting up?

People live together as couples without anything formal in place for various reasons, this is called cohabitation. Without any legal relationship such as a marriage…

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People live together as couples without anything formal in place for various reasons, this is called cohabitation. Without any legal relationship such as a marriage or civil-partnership in place, either of you are free to stay or go without having to go through any formal process. Unmarried couples often need to make arrangements regarding living situation, childcare and property.

Cohabitants have very different rights under family law when it comes to property and financial matters. Common law marriage is a myth. If you’re not married or in a civil partnership, the law on property rights and financial settlements on separation is completely different. There is no legal requirement for cohabitants to be ‘fair’ when the relationship breaks down. By way of example, if you owned the property that you and your partner had lived in for the last 10 years in your sole name and you had no children together, your partner would have no legal claims against your property whatsoever. As there’s no contract of marriage in place and you don’t have any children, neither of you has any legal rights, responsibilities or duties in respect of the other person. Owning property in joint names and having children changes this position.


We’ve agreed terms on how to split our finances, how do we formalise our agreement?

In a consent order. Agreeing terms for settlement with your spouse is half the battle, but those terms must be approved by a court in…

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In a consent order. Agreeing terms for settlement with your spouse is half the battle, but those terms must be approved by a court in a consent order to be legally binding and enforceable. We call them ‘consent orders’ because they are agreed by you and not imposed on you by a third party. A judge must still be satisfied that the terms of your financial settlement are fair.


What about children?

We deal with children issues elsewhere and the most important thing to know is that married parents, mothers and some fathers have Parental Responsibility as…

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We deal with children issues elsewhere and the most important thing to know is that married parents, mothers and some fathers have Parental Responsibility as a matter of law.   That does not apply to children of the other partner and legal responsibility does not extend to parents’ partners, so without something in place, a parent-figure might have no legal standing.

Have a look at our section on children.


What about if one of us dies?

This is a complicated issue beyond the information we can provide here, but the particular circumstances of a family can be relevant to inheritance issues.  …

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This is a complicated issue beyond the information we can provide here, but the particular circumstances of a family can be relevant to inheritance issues.   In the absence of a Will, the laws of intestacy apply and the rights of a person only ‘living with’ somebody depend on property law, inheritance law and the terms of pension schemes and policies.

Rather than risk that lottery, it is usually better for couples living together to make Wills to say what should happen if they die.


What are my rights as a father?

Despite several myths circulating regarding fathers have less rights over their children than mothers, if you already have parental responsibility as a father, then each…

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Despite several myths circulating regarding fathers have less rights over their children than mothers, if you already have parental responsibility as a father, then each of you will start on an equal footing. The welfare of your children will be the paramount consideration. This is known as the welfare principle. In deciding what arrangements are in your children’s best interests, checklist of actors must be considered including:

  1. the children’s wishes and feelings (depending on their respective age);
  2. the children’s physical, emotional and educational needs;
  3. the likely effect of any change of circumstances;
  4. the children’s ages, genders, backgrounds and characteristics;
  5. any harm the children have suffered or risks of harm that they face;
  6. the capability of children’s parents or other relevant people in meeting their needs.

Unless you are a risk of harm to your children then it is unlikely that a court would prevent you spending time with them.


What are my rights if I get divorced?

If you have been married for more than one year, live in England and Wales and your marriage is recognised as valid in England &…

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If you have been married for more than one year, live in England and Wales and your marriage is recognised as valid in England & Wales, then you will be able to get a divorce provided you can evidence that your marriage has irretrievably broken down.

Your rights will differ depending on whether you mean your rights regarding children, property or other finances.

As a divorced person, you have the right to change your name back to your birth name, if you chose to change it on marriage.


What are the grounds for divorce? What evidence do I need to have to get divorced?

It is no longer necessary to cite a reason or attribute blame when applying for divorce. Now you need only make a formal declaration that…

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It is no longer necessary to cite a reason or attribute blame when applying for divorce. Now you need only make a formal declaration that your marriage has broken down, and you can do so jointly with your former spouse if you wish.

You will also need to provide the court with your original marriage certificate (photocopies will not suffice). If your original marriage certificate is not in English, it will need to be translated.


What documents do I need to get together before I can initiate divorce proceedings?

Your original marriage certificate or a court certified copy, this isn’t a photocopy. If your spouse no longer lives with you then you will need…

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Your original marriage certificate or a court certified copy, this isn’t a photocopy. If your spouse no longer lives with you then you will need an email address for them and a postal address where they can receive paperwork.

Although you do not need these documents for the divorce itself, it is worth starting to collate your financial documents. See finances.


What documents do I need to have in order to discuss financial matters?

Quite a few. A good starting place is the court document known as the Form E (Financial Statement). The Form E asks you for various…

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Quite a few. A good starting place is the court document known as the Form E (Financial Statement). The Form E asks you for various pieces of information with documentary evidence in support. It will alert you to the information needed, for example, equity in any properties in your name, savings and pensions.


What happens if we go to court?

Things will inevitably become more expensive and sometimes more acrimonious, but this can sometimes be the only way certain couple’s can resolve matters. Remember you…

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Things will inevitably become more expensive and sometimes more acrimonious, but this can sometimes be the only way certain couple’s can resolve matters. Remember you can continue negotiating and trying to reach a settlement during contested proceedings but you have the safety net of knowing that there will be an end date to your back and forth when the court will make a final financial remedy order that they consider to be fair in light of all of the circumstances of your case.

The court timetable will usually look something like this:

  1. Filing of a financial application using a Form A;
  2. Exchange of Financial Disclosure using Forms E;
  3. Ability to raise questions of your husband of wife’s disclosure using Questionnaires;
  4. A First Directions Appointment (“FDA”);
  5. A Financial Dispute Resolution Hearing (“FDR”);
  6. A Final Hearing.

What if I’m not getting anywhere in voluntary negotiations but don’t want to take my husband or wife to court?

That’s tricky. If you haven’t already, you could try mediation, collaborative law or arbitration. Be honest with yourself as to why you don’t think negotiations…

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That’s tricky. If you haven’t already, you could try mediation, collaborative law or arbitration. Be honest with yourself as to why you don’t think negotiations are getting anywhere. Is your spouse being obstructive? Are you being difficult? Are either of you not ready to move on? Could you use counselling? Is there a particular asset that either you or your spouse don’t want to let go of despite it being fair to do so? Do you need legal advice or representation? Do you need to issue formal proceedings to be taken seriously?


What if my husband or wife is hiding assets?

You and your spouse have a duty to disclose all of your assets in a manner that is full, frank and transparent. The court wants…

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You and your spouse have a duty to disclose all of your assets in a manner that is full, frank and transparent. The court wants you to put all of your cards on the table.

You will usually disclose your financial information using the Form E. Following financial disclosure by way of Forms E, you and your husband or wife are able to raise questions of each other’s disclosure by drafting a questionnaire. You both need to reply to each other’s questions as far as they are proportionate and this usually is an effective way to locate hidden assets. A court can also be asked to order that a party discloses specific information and documentation.

If your matter is more complicated than first meets the eye, then it is always worth considering whether to instruct a forensic accountant to review your husband or wife’s disclosure. Ultimately, if it is found that your husband or wife deliberately hid assets during financial negotiations, the consequences can be severe:

  1. a financial order may be set aside;
  2. proceedings maybe be brought against you for contempt of court, which could lead to a term of imprisonment or to a fine;
  3. you may be penalised on costs meaning that you would be ordered to pay some of your husband or wife’s legal costs for financial matters;
  4. if you are deliberately untruthful in your disclosure, criminal proceedings may be brought against you under the Fraud Act 2006.

What if my spouse dies during divorce proceedings? What if my husband or wife dies before we have resolved financial matters?

Do I get more money we hear you say? The answer to this depends on a few variables: has the final order of divorce been…

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Do I get more money we hear you say? The answer to this depends on a few variables: has the final order of divorce been pronounced as yet? Did your husband or wife leave a will?

Family law solicitors will usually recommend that you do not apply for the final order of divorce until overall financial matters have been resolved by way of a final financial remedy order. If you or your spouse has a pension, you would benefit from a widow or widower’s pension in the event that either of you die before the final order of divorce is made (before your marriage is terminated).

When the final order of divorce is pronounced, you are no longer married to each other and so neither of you will benefit from any widow or widower’s pension or various other financial benefits that you would ordinarily receive as a result of your status as a spouse.

Divorce is a life altering event and so people should consider changing their will or creating a will in contemplation of divorce. If your spouse has left a will that leaves you with nothing, you may be able to make a claim under the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975. This is not the most straightforward area of law, so get some advice.


What if we split up?

We put that as part of ‘Should we have an agreement?’ because the agreement can govern the arrangements and provide greater certainty, even if people…

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We put that as part of ‘Should we have an agreement?’ because the agreement can govern the arrangements and provide greater certainty, even if people are happily or tolerably, living together.   Agreements are not simply to say what should happen if people separate, but that is a useful aspect that can be brought in.  Who lives where and what happens about – a sale or buy-out can be dealt with in a Living Together Agreement.   Many of the provisions would follow on from ownership, financial and practical issues considered for inclusion.

‘A stich in time, saves nine’ and thinking about arrangements before things go wrong may even help that not happening.  If somebody shows themselves to be selfish and unreasonable when discussing arrangements for living together, it serves as a warning that may save a broken heart and/or financial disaster later on.  Often people are deflected by an appeal to ‘trust me’ but a little evidence of trustworthiness, such as reasoned discussion before commencing cohabitation can make that easier.

We trust that answers at least some of your questions and sets your thinking on a productive track.


What is a consent order?

A consent order is a full and final court order embodying the terms that you and your spouse agree between yourselves, at mediation or through…

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A consent order is a full and final court order embodying the terms that you and your spouse agree between yourselves, at mediation or through your solicitors. Once approved, a consent order cannot easily be challenged. The starting point is that it should be upheld.

A consent order is strongly recommended when trying to finalise your divorce and divide your financial assets. This is because it is very difficult to re-open a consent order years after it has been approved. If you agree terms in an informal agreement that is not approved by a court, your spouse could apply to the court further down the line for financial provision. It can be expensive to defend an unwarranted “second bite at the cherry” but, by not entering into a consent order and / or clean break order, you could be leaving yourself exposed.

Specialist divorce and family law lawyers will be well equipped to help you draft an order in the correct manner.


What is a no-fault divorce? What is a fault-based divorce?

Prior to April 2022, family law required applicants for divorce to cite one of five reasons for the end of the marriage. A number of…

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Prior to April 2022, family law required applicants for divorce to cite one of five reasons for the end of the marriage. A number of these required attributing blame to the other spouse – effectively declaring that the divorce was their fault. Lawyers and campaigners argued for years that this encouraged unnecessary acrimony during an already emotional time.

The law has now changed. Under the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act, applicants now need only make a formal declare that their marriage has broken down, and this declaration can be made jointly with their spouse if they wish. Because it is no longer necessary to attribute blame, the new legislation is often referred to as ‘no fault divorce’.

This is a welcome reform that will allow most couples to make the first steps in their separation as amicable as possible and end the old blame game.


What is a pre-nuptial agreement?

This is a document which sets out what money each party with exit the marriage or civil partnership with if the relationship breaks down. The…

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This is a document which sets out what money each party with exit the marriage or civil partnership with if the relationship breaks down. The document usually deals with property, pensions, maintenance and savings. It may also deal with other things like pets, jewellery and personal possessions. These types of agreement aren’t binding in the courts of England and Wales but they can be highly persuasive if they are seen to be fair at the time the parties split up.

Ideally both parties would enter into the agreement more than six weeks before their wedding or civil partnership takes place. It is ideal, but not mandatory for each party to take specialist legal advice from a family solicitor or barrister.

The more evidence there is that the parties both understood the terms of the agreement they signed, the more likely the courts will be persuaded to put into effect the terms of the agreement.


What is divorce? What does divorce involve?

Marriage is a legal relationship; a contract between spouses. Divorce is the legal process that terminates a marriage. It’s not a step to take lightly…

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Marriage is a legal relationship; a contract between spouses. Divorce is the legal process that terminates a marriage. It’s not a step to take lightly but, if there are no complicating factors, then the divorce process itself is largely administrative and straightforward.

It’s important to remember that the process of terminating your marriage is separate to the process that determines who gets the house or other financial assets (the finances).

If you’ve decided that you want to separate from your spouse you might be thinking “what’s the best way to formally end my relationship?” Divorce is one option but there are alternatives to divorce that might suit your circumstances a little more.


What is fair when splitting assets after divorce?

It is fairness in light of all of the circumstances of the case giving first consideration to the welfare of any children. In deciding what…

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It is fairness in light of all of the circumstances of the case giving first consideration to the welfare of any children. In deciding what is fair the court will consider:

  1. yours and your spouse’s resources – property, capital, income, earning capacity;
  2. yours and your spouse’s needs, obligations and responsibilities;
  3. your marital standard of living;
  4. yours and your spouse’s respective ages;
  5. how long you were married for;
  6. any physical or mental disabilities;
  7. yours and your spouse’s contributions to the welfare of the family;
  8. yours and your spouse’s conduct (not ordinary bad behaviour).

There’s no set formula for how to assess fairness. It’s important to seek advice regarding your specific circumstances.


What is parental responsibility?

Parental responsibility, sometimes abbreviated to “PR”, embodies all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which (by law) a parent has in relation to their…

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Parental responsibility, sometimes abbreviated to “PR”, embodies all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which (by law) a parent has in relation to their children and the children’s property. It gives you rights and responsibilities when bringing up children, making decisions for children and caring for children.

Having parental responsibility gives you responsibility for important decisions about a child’s welfare such as education, religion and medical care and also over ordinary day-to-day decisions such as nutrition and recreation.

Parental responsibility is important because holders of it are afforded legal status under the Children Act 1989. The Children Act 1989 is the main piece of legislation governing the way in which children are cared for during family breakdown.


What rights do I have in relation to my children after a separation?

What are my rights as a mother? What are my rights as a father? This depends on your circumstances. Both parents have a duty to…

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What are my rights as a mother? What are my rights as a father? This depends on your circumstances.

Both parents have a duty to look after their children. The law doesn’t specify how much time a child spends with each parent. The parents are expected to make their own arrangements regarding where children live, how often they see the other parent and how major life decisions are handled by them. Often, i can help if the parents agree a parenting plan with each other. A mediator or solicitor can help the parents agree a parenting plan if they need help.


Where can I find the forms and documents that I need for my divorce?

If you are represented then ask your solicitor for any forms or links. If you are unrepresented or undecided, then you can find court forms…

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If you are represented then ask your solicitor for any forms or links. If you are unrepresented or undecided, then you can find court forms on the .gov website.  You might need the name of the form you’re searching for to find the right document. For example, instead of searching for a divorce application, you would search for a form D8.


Who do the children live with after separation?

This is a decision that could be made between you both as parents without needing any external input. The court believed that the parties best…

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This is a decision that could be made between you both as parents without needing any external input. The court believed that the parties best placed to make important decisions about children’s wellbeing are their parents. If you can’t agree then you could try mediation or speaking to a specialist children and family lawyer. The considerations that you, a mediator, a family law solicitor and a court should take into account when guiding you on this question are the same: what arrangements would be in the best interests of your children and why? It’s important to remember that children thrive off routine, but that in and of itself is not a reason to exclude the other parent from a child’s life.


Who drafts the consent order?

A family law solicitor, mediator or barrister should be asked to draft a consent order on your behalf. This is what they’ve been trained to…

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A family law solicitor, mediator or barrister should be asked to draft a consent order on your behalf. This is what they’ve been trained to do. Legal terminology can be extremely complicated and, once approved, your order will be legally binding.


Who gets the pet?

Who gets the cat or dog? It depends. It might seem strange that we’re talking about this under finances but, yes, a pet is considered…

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Who gets the cat or dog? It depends. It might seem strange that we’re talking about this under finances but, yes, a pet is considered an asset when you divorce. The same principles that apply when dividing your capital and income, will apply when deciding who gets your pet.


Who has parental responsibility? If I don’t have parental responsibility, how can I get it?

This isn’t as obvious an answer as you might think. A mother automatically acquires parental responsibility on birth of a child. A father who is…

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This isn’t as obvious an answer as you might think.

A mother automatically acquires parental responsibility on birth of a child.

A father who is married to the mother of a child at the time of the child’s birth also automatically acquires parental responsibility.

An unmarried father does not automatically acquire parental responsibility. If you are an unmarried father, you can acquire (or may have already acquired) parental responsibility in one of six ways: (a) by being registered as a child’s father on their birth certificate, (b) by entering into a parental responsibility agreement, (c) by applying to the court for a parental responsibility order, (d) by being appointed as a guardian over a child on the death of their mother, (e) if a child arrangements order is made in your favour or (f) if you marry your child’s mother.

Step-parents, (a person married/civil partners with one of the child’s natural parents) can obtain parental responsibility either by (a) obtaining a parental responsibility agreement (provided that any people who currently have parental responsibility over the child or children allow you to) and (b) if they don’t, by obtaining a parental responsibility order from the court.

If a parent is cohabiting with another person, that person isn’t considered to be a ‘Step-parent’ and so can’t apply for a parental responsibility order although they may be able to acquire it if a child arrangements order is made which states that the child should live with the cohabiting parent.


Who owns what?

This is a big topic, but with informal living together arrangements, property law decides who owns what, so it is vitally important that ownership is…

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This is a big topic, but with informal living together arrangements, property law decides who owns what, so it is vitally important that ownership is properly recorded when a property is purchased.   Often property lawyers, don’t like to ask to many questions and often only want to know about auto-inheritance on death which determines whether they register it is as ‘beneficial joint tenancy’ (survivor inherits) or a ‘tenancy in common’ (no automatic inheritance).  The Land Registry proprietorship register says who owns the property and many people expect that the money they contributed or was given/borrowed from families will be respected, but that cannot be presumed.

Belongings are called ‘chattels’ in law and courts are very reluctant to spend time deciding on such things.   There is established law about objects and rights, but arguing or taking it to court is rarely productive.    Far better to have decided the principles to be applied before people split up.


Who pays child maintenance?

Child maintenance is paid by a parent who does not spend a set amount of time looking after their children (the paying parent).


Who pays for the divorce?

This depends on your individual circumstances, as well as those of your spouse. Quantifying these costs outside of the mandatory court filing fee can be…

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This depends on your individual circumstances, as well as those of your spouse. Quantifying these costs outside of the mandatory court filing fee can be tricky. Remember, you can always negotiate or compromise on a figure and communicate that with each other or, if you are represented, your solicitors.

Your fees for financial matters or issues relating to your children are a separate consideration.


Who pays for what?

Often people develop habits about how finances are run without much discussion or agreement. People have contracts with providers and the businesses get paid.  It…

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Often people develop habits about how finances are run without much discussion or agreement. People have contracts with providers and the businesses get paid.  It is between the people involved in the contract, unless there is some other law that applies, such as for Council Tax.

Far better to talk about such things and agree.


Will dating someone else during my separation impact my case?

It can. It’s important to remember that until the final order of divorce is pronounced in your case, you are still technically married. Serious new…

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It can. It’s important to remember that until the final order of divorce is pronounced in your case, you are still technically married. Serious new relationships can also impact upon the finances if your new partner lives with you or contributes to your household finances.


Will dating someone else whilst agreeing how to split our assets impact my case?

Serious new relationships during divorce can impact upon financial negotiations and settlements. Serious new relationships after divorce can impact on the financial provision that you’re…

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Serious new relationships during divorce can impact upon financial negotiations and settlements. Serious new relationships after divorce can impact on the financial provision that you’re receiving from your former spouse. During financial proceedings you’ll be asked about your intentions when it comes to cohabiting or remarrying a new partner. You have to be honest about those intentions.

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