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How to manage your ex and their different parenting style

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A change in family dynamic is hard on everyone, particularly children, so when you have a different parenting style to your ex, things can quickly become fraught. Whilst you may have had disagreements while you were together, these differences are easily magnified when you separate. But how can this situated be managed and is there anything that can be done about it? We look at the options.

What legal options are available if our parenting styles conflict?

Differences in parenting styles very likely existed long before you separated, but they were probably kept in check by a willingness to work together or compromise in a bid to present a united front to the children. Divorce often removes these motivations and so these niggles can fairly quickly become more pronounced.

When parenting styles conflict, there are several legal options available to help resolve these issues. It should always be remembered that the primary goal is to reach a solution that serves the best interests of the child rather than reinforcing one person’s perceived ”right” way of doing things.

  • Mediation: Parents can use mediation to discuss and resolve their differences with the help of a neutral third party. Mediation is often encouraged before taking any legal action, as it can be less confrontational and more collaborative.
  • Parenting Plan: Parents can draft a parenting plan outlining how they will raise their children and set it out in a written agreement. This plan can cover various aspects such as education, holidays, and health care. While not legally binding, it can serve as a useful reference for both parties if disagreements arise.
  • Solicitors: If mediation fails, parents may seek advice from solicitors who specialise in family law to provide guidance on legal rights and help negotiate agreements.
  • Court Orders: When parents cannot reach an agreement, they may apply for a court order. The most common orders include:
  • A child arrangements order sets out where the child will live and the contact they will have with each parent.
  • A specific issue order addresses specific disputes, such as which school the child will attend.
  • A prohibited steps order prevents a parent from making certain decisions, like taking the child abroad without consent.

In reality, it is unlikely that the court will be able to assist with differences in parenting styles unless the behaviour is found to be abusive or counter to the child’s best interests. Otherwise, to some extent, you will probably need to learn to let go a lot of the stuff such as food consumption, bedtime routines, teeth brushing etc when the children are with your ex.

If your ex’s parenting style is abusive, this goes beyond a simple difference in approach, and it is imperative you talk to the police or a solicitor who can offer help and protection.

What are examples of inappropriate parenting styles where the court might become involved?

When inappropriate parenting styles are identified, courts may issue orders such as a child arrangements order to ensure the child’s safety. These orders can limit or define the terms of contact, require supervision, or, in extreme cases, terminate contact altogether. The primary focus is always on the child’s best interests and safety.

Certain parenting styles or behaviours can be deemed inappropriate or harmful, potentially leading to restricted contact with the child. Examples include:

  • Any evidence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse can lead to immediate restrictions on contact to protect the child’s safety.
  • Failure to provide basic necessities such as food, shelter, medical care, and education. Neglect can severely affect a child’s well-being and development.
  • Regular use of drugs or alcohol, especially in the child’s presence, can impair a parent’s ability to care for their child and create an unsafe environment.
  • Exposure to domestic violence, even if the child is not directly involved, can be traumatising and detrimental to their emotional health.
  • Untreated or severe mental health issues impacting the parent’s ability to provide safe and stable care. This includes conditions that lead to erratic behaviour or that pose a danger to the child.
  • Involvement in criminal activities, particularly if they bring harm or instability to the child’s life, can result in restricted contact.
  • Deliberate actions by one parent to undermine or obstruct the child’s relationship with the other parent, such as badmouthing the other parent or preventing contact.
  • Repeated failure to adhere to agreed-upon parenting schedules or demonstrating an inability to maintain a stable routine for the child.
  • Allowing the child access to age-inappropriate media or environments, such as adult content, violent situations, or drug use.
  • Leaving the child unsupervised in potentially dangerous situations or with individuals who may pose a risk.

Tips for managing co-parenting with an ex

Children whose divorced parents have a workable cooperative relationship adjust more quickly and easily to divorce and their new living circumstances. Whereas children exposed to high conflict between co-parents are more likely to develop issues such as depression, anxiety and mental health issues. Here are our tips for managing co-parenting with an ex:

  • Aim to be flexible, pick-ups and drop off times can be a source of dispute, so if there is a persistent issue speak to your ex about it in private and not in front of the children.
  • Try to accept you have differing parenting styles. Your ex’s parenting style might change without you around and may even have been a source of conflict during your relationship. This may take some time to get used to, especially if your ex has different values or beliefs. Whilst the children may eat popcorn and stay up late on Fridays at your ex’s, during their time with you, they go to bed on time, eat their greens, and do their homework. Try not to let the small stuff get under your skin. Provided your child is safe and secure, different parenting approaches can help your child learn that different rules apply in different situations.
  • Keep your ex up to date by using a shared online calendar or app that lists your child’s weekly schedule and any special events.
  • Plan ahead for tasks, activities, and events or take responsibility for GP or dental appointments, for example.
  • Give your ex time to learn the ropes about the practical side of parenting especially if you have undertaken the lion’s share of the care when you were together.

Co-parenting can be one of the biggest challenges for separated parents. Take some time to reflect on your own parenting style and think about whether you need to learn new techniques.


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