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How do I separate from my spouse amicably?

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Many people view separation or divorce as a process that should be fraught with acrimony, and bring up a maelstrom of emotion. But it doesn’t have to be that way. In the long term, particularly if you have children, it is much better for the good of the family to keep discussions positive. This article looks at ways to help those who are going through a relationship breakdown to separate as amicably as possible.

Place the welfare of any children first

Do your best not to involve the children in the separation or in adult matters more generally as the children should, as far as possible, be protected from such discussions. The law views children’s welfare as the paramount consideration, both in terms of resolving any finances or co-parenting disputes, and your approach should be no different. Have their needs and emotions in the forefront of your mind at all times. Unless there are real safety or safeguarding concerns, arrangements for the children should continue. It is important that both parents encourage the children to have a relationship with the other.

Continue with financial agreements until the divorce is final

If one party has paid for the family bills and expenses, then, where possible, they should continue to do so until a settlement is reached.  Neither party should withdraw or spend significant sums of money without the consent of the other, as this may have adverse consequences down the line.

Discuss the various options for an amicable divorce

There are many options to help divorcing couples navigate the discussions without ending up in court. Mediation, collaborative law, solicitor-led negotiation, round table meetings are only a few of the methods available to help you reach an agreement you are both happy to accept.

Take your time

You will probably be at different stages emotionally, particularly if one of you has wanted to separate for a while. You should be prepared for the fact that your partner may be in shock or denial, so if you try to rush the process they may react more defensively.

Be honest with each other

Disclose assets openly. There is a duty of full and frank disclosure in divorce proceedings anyway, so it is important you both have a clear understanding of all the matrimonial assets you both own jointly, and those you own individually. Start by writing a list setting out all the property you own such as cash, investments, business interests, pensions, debts, and details of your salary and any bonus.

Document your separation agreement

If you have managed to reach an informal agreement between you, or in mediation, it is not legally binding, even if it is written down.  It is important to make sure you are both protected in the future. A solicitor will be able to help you prepare a document which records what you have agreed, and once approved by the court it will become legally binding.

Consider counselling

Counselling can be a really effective way to grieve the loss of your relationship and ensure that your emotions are kept in check during divorce settlement discussions.

When to recognise that being amicable is no longer an option

Maintaining amicable relations during the breakdown of a marriage or civil partnership helps to minimise emotional strain, reduces legal costs, and ensures a smoother process, particularly when children are involved. However, there are situations where being amicable is no longer viable, and recognising when this point has been reached is crucial. Identifying the signs early can help a divorcing party take appropriate legal action to protect their rights and interests. The following is a non-exhaustive list of circumstances when being amicable is no longer an option:

  • If one party consistently fails to cooperate or compromises are continually met with resistance, being amicable may not be an option. This includes refusal to communicate, avoid mediation sessions, or intentionally delaying proceedings.
  • When one party attempts to control or manipulate the situation to gain an unfair advantage, such as withholding financial information or assets, the potential for an amicable resolution diminishes. If there is evidence of a power imbalance, especially if it borders on emotional or financial abuse, it becomes difficult to achieve a fair outcome.
  • Persistent arguments, threats, and hostile interactions are indicators that a constructive dialogue is unlikely. In such cases, seeking legal assistance is necessary to ensure that matters are resolved fairly without risking personal wellbeing.
  • If one party makes unreasonable demands regarding children, finances, or property that are clearly unachievable or unjust, it is a sign that negotiations have reached a deadlock. Legal proceedings may be necessary to ensure that the process remains balanced and within the framework of the law.

What can I do when being amicable during divorce breaks down?

If attempts to remain amicable fail, court assistance or other legal help becomes essential. The following options may be more suitable:

  • Before resorting to court, mediation might still be a useful step. A trained mediator can help manage conflict and assist in reaching an agreement. However, both parties must be willing participants for it to work.
  • If direct discussions and mediation fail, solicitors can negotiate on behalf of the parties. Solicitors can protect their client’s interests while seeking an out-of-court settlement.
  • As a last resort, applying to court for a financial remedy or child arrangements order may be necessary. The court will ensure that the case is resolved fairly, following legal guidelines.

What are the signs that amicability is still possible?

  • If both parties are willing to engage in open and respectful conversations, there is hope for an amicable settlement.
  • A key sign of amicability is when both parties demonstrate a readiness to negotiate and make compromises.
  • Even in difficult situations, if both sides show respect towards each other’s position, it indicates a foundation for amicable discussions to take place.

Ultimately, recognising the signs that amicability is possible, and knowing when it is not, allows for the most effective approach to family law disputes.


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