Info & Advice

I want to get married but he doesn’t – what should I do?

Living together is now so common that any couple rushing straight into marriage is likely to raise eyebrows or be suspected of conservative religious views.

Request a Free Consultation with a Solicitor

But as time passes, perspectives shift and the freewheeling, no commitment approach can begin to lose its appeal. You’ve been together for years and perhaps it’s beginning to feel as though you are effectively married, even if nothing legal has occurred. You may be thinking about the future, considering children or making other long-term plans. One day you realise you do actually want stability and the public validation of marriage. You’re finally ready to take that step.

But nothing happens. Time continues to pass and your partner doesn’t propose. Or worse, they actively resist the idea if and when you do broach the topic. It can be a painful and awkward conundrum: do they really love you if they don’t want to marry you even after all your time together?

Should I stay or should I go?

So, what is the best way to respond to this unwelcome discovery? Do you stick around and try to win your partner over or do you cut your losses and leave? Alternatively, do you just accept that marriage isn’t on the cards and continue living your life as before?

It’s not an easy decision to make but we would suggest that you start by insisting on heart-to-heart discussion. It’s important that you understand exactly what the problem is: why exactly does your partner not want to formalise your relationship? Such reluctance often begins in childhood. Some people grew up with argumentative parents forever at loggerheads, or had a mother and father who divorced acrimoniously. These experiences can certainly leave scars and when these children grow into adults, they may continue to associate the concept of marriage with those bad memories, even if only subconsciously.

It may take time with a couples’ counsellor to uncover such connections – but only if you partner agrees to take part, of course. Make sure they understand how important the matter is to you. If they do love you, they will respect your feelings and participate.

The real reason

Of course, the real reason for their reluctance to marry may be much simpler and much more disappointing. Your partner may simply not believe, in their heart of hearts, that your relationship is strong enough to go the distance or they just may not love you enough to take the next big step and tie the knot. It’s only by uncovering their true motives and feelings that you will be able to make the right decisions, however much of a wrench they may be.


Related Articles

FAQs

We guide you through the basics of family law by answering some popular questions regarding divorce, financial issues and children disputes.

Talk to an expert


Should we have an Agreement?

Being practical, the answer to that question is very often a firm YES! Answers to problems can be found elsewhere, but if there is a…

Read More

Being practical, the answer to that question is very often a firm YES!

Answers to problems can be found elsewhere, but if there is a Living Together Agreement, properly considered, well-drafted and comprehensively dealing with all the aspects that the couple care about, then there is more certainty and less worry about ‘What if…?’

If people plan to marry, then they can make their agreement a Pre-Nuptial (‘before marriage’) one and if money is being introduced into their lives from relatives, especially as loans, then the financial interests of the third party can be agreed in such an agreement, avoiding arguments about liability for repayment, terms of loan or gift and particularly avoiding them needing to participate in any dispute later on.


We never married and now my ex wants half the house, what do I do?

Before we split up, we bought a house and we entered into a declaration of trust dealing with the ownership of the house. We never…

Read More

Before we split up, we bought a house and we entered into a declaration of trust dealing with the ownership of the house. We never married and now my ex wants half the house. We agreed that they were only entitled to 30% of it and that is what the declaration of trust says. What now?

Firstly, you should pat yourself on the back for being sensible. A declaration of trust is one of the ways you can protect yourself when in a cohabiting relationship. The Declaration of Trust is a legally binding document which sets out the ownership of the property you bought together. The terms of that agreement should be followed, this means your ex should be entitled to 30%. If they want more they would need to go to court and apply (with a very good reason!) for more than 30%. It is very rare for the court to give someone more money than the declaration of trust says so this would only be successful in 1 case in a 1000.

If you cohabit with anyone else again, it might be a good idea to enter into a cohabitation agreement. This sets out the financial arrangements clearly so that if the relationship breaks down, you both know where you stand financially.


What about children?

We deal with children issues elsewhere and the most important thing to know is that married parents, mothers and some fathers have Parental Responsibility as…

Read More

We deal with children issues elsewhere and the most important thing to know is that married parents, mothers and some fathers have Parental Responsibility as a matter of law.   That does not apply to children of the other partner and legal responsibility does not extend to parents’ partners, so without something in place, a parent-figure might have no legal standing.

Have a look at our section on children.


What about if one of us dies?

This is a complicated issue beyond the information we can provide here, but the particular circumstances of a family can be relevant to inheritance issues.  …

Read More

This is a complicated issue beyond the information we can provide here, but the particular circumstances of a family can be relevant to inheritance issues.   In the absence of a Will, the laws of intestacy apply and the rights of a person only ‘living with’ somebody depend on property law, inheritance law and the terms of pension schemes and policies.

Rather than risk that lottery, it is usually better for couples living together to make Wills to say what should happen if they die.


What if we split up?

We put that as part of ‘Should we have an agreement?’ because the agreement can govern the arrangements and provide greater certainty, even if people…

Read More

We put that as part of ‘Should we have an agreement?’ because the agreement can govern the arrangements and provide greater certainty, even if people are happily or tolerably, living together.   Agreements are not simply to say what should happen if people separate, but that is a useful aspect that can be brought in.  Who lives where and what happens about – a sale or buy-out can be dealt with in a Living Together Agreement.   Many of the provisions would follow on from ownership, financial and practical issues considered for inclusion.

‘A stich in time, saves nine’ and thinking about arrangements before things go wrong may even help that not happening.  If somebody shows themselves to be selfish and unreasonable when discussing arrangements for living together, it serves as a warning that may save a broken heart and/or financial disaster later on.  Often people are deflected by an appeal to ‘trust me’ but a little evidence of trustworthiness, such as reasoned discussion before commencing cohabitation can make that easier.

We trust that answers at least some of your questions and sets your thinking on a productive track.


Who owns what?

This is a big topic, but with informal living together arrangements, property law decides who owns what, so it is vitally important that ownership is…

Read More

This is a big topic, but with informal living together arrangements, property law decides who owns what, so it is vitally important that ownership is properly recorded when a property is purchased.   Often property lawyers, don’t like to ask to many questions and often only want to know about auto-inheritance on death which determines whether they register it is as ‘beneficial joint tenancy’ (survivor inherits) or a ‘tenancy in common’ (no automatic inheritance).  The Land Registry proprietorship register says who owns the property and many people expect that the money they contributed or was given/borrowed from families will be respected, but that cannot be presumed.

Belongings are called ‘chattels’ in law and courts are very reluctant to spend time deciding on such things.   There is established law about objects and rights, but arguing or taking it to court is rarely productive.    Far better to have decided the principles to be applied before people split up.


Who pays for what?

Often people develop habits about how finances are run without much discussion or agreement. People have contracts with providers and the businesses get paid.  It…

Read More

Often people develop habits about how finances are run without much discussion or agreement. People have contracts with providers and the businesses get paid.  It is between the people involved in the contract, unless there is some other law that applies, such as for Council Tax.

Far better to talk about such things and agree.

Podcast: Listen Now