Silver Splitters

Hello, and thanks for joining me again on the SplittingUp.com Podcast. I'm Joanne Major, a family lawyer in the Northeast of England, and I set up the website SplittingUp.com to help people going through a separation or divorce, and who just don't know where to turn to you for help and advice.

In each episode of the podcast, we hear from someone who's been on this journey, and has made it out the other side, and we then talk to experts for their thoughts and reflections on what happened.

Today we'll be hearing about Silver Splitters, otherwise known as the Grey Divorce and how getting divorced after a long relationship and later in life creates its own set of challenges.

Ending a relationship, civil partnership, or marriage is tough at any age, but when you are approaching or indeed are in retirement, it can be especially hard.

But before we start, I've just got to say that as everyone's situation is different, although our podcast is intended to be helpfully informative and thought provoking, it cannot be taken as legal advice. For more information on our disclaimer, please go to the website's podcast page.

So first, let's hear Anna's story. As always, it’s not her real name, but Anna has some important things to share.

Her breakup almost 20 years ago was especially difficult. Anna was in her late 50s when out of the blue, she found herself facing divorce after being in a long relationship of 35 years.

Anna's husband, the other half of her whole adult life had found love elsewhere.

I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 22. We married two years later.

Both of our careers flourished, and by the ages of 40 and 42, respectively we had three wonderful children, a beautiful home, and what most people would consider to be an enviable lifestyle.

I thought we were a good team. I thought we comprised a happy family - though not without the usual ups and downs in life at times, of course. I can honestly say that it never crossed my mind not to have complete trust in my husband.

So when he was made redundant in his late 50s, and an exciting opportunity in Europe came up. I didn't have a second thought in encouraging him to accept it.

He came home every weekend without fail, and the children and I were able to go over to his flat and spend holidays with him. I considered it only to be a temporary arrangement. Our retirement was on the horizon, when we would be able to look forward to a more leisurely lifestyle for just the two of us, once our youngest had flown the nest in the near future.

Therefore, the pain I experienced at the moment of discovering that my husband was actually living a double life with another lady was literally like a hammer blow.

He was the other half of the whole of my adult life. My partner, my best friend, the father of my children, how could I continue living without him? What kind of new life could I possibly make for myself now, being in my late 50s?

The thought of spending the rest of my life alone was a bleak prospect indeed.

I didn't realise it at the time, but the very day I found out was a turning point in my life. It was indeed the end of my life with my husband, but it was also the beginning of my life without him a life that was not better, or worse, just different, but equally good.

I can't pretend it was an easy transition, though. At first, I felt worthless, just dumped on the scrap heap; my whole life with him having been a waste of time. Of course the children were in shock too, and I certainly didn't find being a single parent a walk in the park. Teenage children can be challenging at the best of times. And my children felt badly let down at what should have been an exciting time in their lives as they approached adulthood.

There had to be a tight control on the family finances, as there was only my income to rely on now, and there was only me to ferry them around to their social activities and help sort out their problems.

For the first few months, I was at a very low ebb. I found it really difficult to deal with so many things on my own. One of the hardest things that I had to do was to sell our lovely home and shed so many of the items that we had collected together over the course of 35 years, and everything had to be done so quickly. It was heartbreaking.

And at my lowest ebb, came the support that I've never needed before. unstinting support from my wonderful mother and sister, amazing support from my work colleagues, loyal support from my wonderful friends, and unconditional support from my three special children, who continually gave me the strength to carry on.

I was lucky enough to find a good lawyer, who did not just brilliantly outline the realities of the financial situation, but sensitively guided me through the whole painful process of the divorce.

My husband, very much had charge of family finances, maintenance of the house - I suppose our roles were quite segregated - so it was a bit of a shock for me to have to take all of these on, I didn't think I could manage.

Gradually I did gain in confidence. And I realised that there were people there that could help me through, and actually I wasn't entirely useless. In fact, I was quite capable of making important decisions regarding my family's welfare, and finances.

And looking back now, on what's almost 20 years, I realise how far I've come, how much I've learned about life, how many challenges I've taken up and enjoyed. I've been lucky to have found a companionable relationship with a lovely man who also suffered a painful divorce. We don't live together, we both have our own homes, but are mutually supportive, which is fine, and works very well.

In those first few dark days, a close friend said to me, “there will be light at the end of the tunnel, you know, you will be OK.” I remember looking at her in disbelief and just shaking my head. I have never felt so alone in my life. But if you're listening to my story, and you're one of the so called Silver Splitters, like me, you'll be OK too.

So we've listened to and a story there and understand the difficult journey that she had facing the divorce later in life. So with me today, I've got family lawyer and expert specialist financial remedy practitioner, Jonathan Dunkley, who's here to discuss Anna's story, and also what it's like separating later in life. Hello, Jonathan.

Hello, Jo. Thank you very much for inviting me to take part in this podcast. I hope I can be of some use and some value.

Brilliant. Thank you, Jonathan. I think it would be quite helpful for the listeners perhaps just to explain really what a silver splitter is.

A silver splitter is a person who becomes involved in the divorce process, later in their lives, typically in their 50s, 60s, sometimes even in their 70s. People who perhaps never expected ever to be in that position, but find themselves when they should be looking forward to a quiet and comfortable retirement, suddenly, they're not, either because they decide that they're not happy with their partner, or more difficult circumstances, where their partner decides that they don't want to be with them any longer. And that, of course, was the sad truth in Anna's case.

It's a whole different set of circumstances, isn't it? When you were older, you're a silver splitter than perhaps when you're younger?

Well, it certainly is. And I mean, normally, whenever you're dealing with a divorce, the advice you give to your client is to try and divorce with dignity and do everything by agreement. The majority of cases I regret to say fall within sort of Anna's case, where it comes as a tremendous shock to one party or the other.

Little practical things like, you know, a wife may recognise that she's never been on holiday on her own before, and how difficult is that in your late 50s or 60s to realise that you're going have to go off, not to a family villa in Majorca or wherever, but you're going to have to explore what solo holidays offer, and that can be very traumatic.

And you've got to think about what does the future hold for me, because for the majority of families, there simply isn't enough money: income, savings, pension, mortgage capacity, to enable both to move on at the same comfortable level that they have enjoyed for the previous 25 or 30 years. So on top of all the worry and uncertainty of going it alone, you've got this realisation, this stark realisation, that the money isn't going to go as far, you're going to have to downsize, you're going have to live alone in a smaller house without the company of the spouse that you've had for 25 or 30 years.

And what you've got to try and do is encourage your client and facilitate your client and give your client the best possible advice you can to make sure that they get out of this marriage on the best possible terms, so they have the best possible chances of enjoying the rest of this life that they hadn't foreseen for themselves. So yeah, it's unbelievably difficult.

Thank you, Jonathan. And I think as you were explaining there that in some circumstances, there's just not enough to go around, and I think certainly as a family law practitioner, that was probably one of the hardest things that I've had to deal with, I guess, in a sense when there just isn't.

A couple may have enjoyed living in their own home for the last 25 or 30 years, as you say, where the children were brought up, but then having to find themselves going into rented accommodation, because of course, it's not just the house, Jonathan, is it? It's at that point in someone's life, maybe late 50s, 60s, that might not be working, that might not be able to get back into the job market, of course, they might have insufficient pension income, they could also start having health concerns. So I think it's all those factors, isn't it that make the Silver Spliter journey? A really difficult one?

Yes, I think that's right, for the majority of people, if you haven't got a lot of savings and financial resources tucked away. And, you know, speaking, honestly, the majority of people aren't in that happy position. So there are a lot of compromises that have to be made. But yes, you've touched upon all the problem areas, and unfortunately, they exist in the majority of cases, where there isn't a lot of financial resource to help pick up the slack between the cost of running one household with joint incomes, and running two households with individual incomes. So it is very difficult.

Yes, well, thank you very much, Jonathan, and I guess really, that's why we always say, 'go and take advice from an experienced family lawyer,' because that person obviously doesn't just understand and know the law, but an experienced family law practitioner also has the empathy and understands really the bigger picture here, and that's really very much part of our role. And indeed, I think that's how you would say you've been practising Jonathan for an awfully long time now, isn't it?

Yes, I would say 45 years or so. And yeah, we do understand the emotional complexities and difficulties involved in those cases. And we're absolutely determined to make sure that we do our very best for each and every client, but particularly those who we know need someone not only fighting hard on their behalf to get them the best possible deal to enable them to move on with their lives as best they can. But also because we understand how difficult it is to offer them some emotional support as well and try and get behind them and make them feel supported at a time when, you know, for many other reasons, they feel totally unsupported and vulnerable.

Thanks very much, Jonathan for talking us through the difficulties faced by Silver Splitters.

Aside from the obvious emotional fallout following the breakdown of a long relationship or marriage, many persons find themselves with financial concerns and worries, which they would never have expected or foreseen. Therefore, having information knowledge and support as to where they can turn to for help is crucial.

With me today is Fiona Sharp, an independent financial advisor, of Verve Financial Planning. Fiona is an accredited independent financial expert who specialises in helping divorce clients with their financial affairs. Hello, Fiona.

Hello, Joanne.

Thanks very much for joining me again today. Fiona, I know you've previously done a podcast with us before and I thought it was a good opportunity to get you back again today, because in your capacity as an independent financial adviser, I know that you've dealt with many, many divorcing clients over the years and some of which fall under the definition of being a Silver Splitter, haven't you?

Yes, Joanne I have. In fact, some of my Silver Splitters have gone up in terms of age as the eldest lady was 82.

Goodness me it's, yeah, so it's definitely it's definitely a growing trend. And as we heard in Anna's story earlier, is that being older and getting divorce has its own set of challenges, doesn't it?

Yes, it certainly does. I think, you know, traditionally, men have been the breadwinners and have been in control of the money, and although that is changing over time, but I think if you are suddenly put in a situation where you're having to deal with a financial situation that you've not been in before you're having to learn about money, budgeting, mortgages. It can be truly daunting.

I think there's some very pressing things that are that are of concern to that particular age bracket, and I would say one of those things that Anna was talking about earlier, of course, was packing up the family home, and the enormity of that and thinking about future housing. Do you want to sort of talk to us a little bit about what are the issues around housing at that age?

Well, firstly, of course, it's a very emotive time, isn't it? If somebody is going back to work or they don't want to work anymore, because they've actually been thinking about retiring, then taking on a mortgage potentially is, is a really big deal, isn't it?

Some mortgage companies these days do lend up to age 70 or 75. I know people don't necessarily want to be straddled with debt later in life, but potentially, it's a means to an end, isn't it?

But also, there's equity release mortgages, which historically, they seem to be geared towards people who want to release equity from their existing property, but in fact, they could be available for house purchases for people who are in their 60s 70s, etc.

So there may be other options out there, which you might not initially think about. So it's actually important to go and get some really good independent financial advice, either from a mortgage broker or from a an independent financial adviser.

The biggest takeaway I would say is, don't be scared to ask for help. There's a lot of help out there. And it's important not to think that you have to face these challenges on your own.

No, that's really good advice, and it's advice that it's really I think, in the early stages about signposting and saying to people to, you know, maybe approach people like yourself, Fiona, to look at all of those options, and I think one of the other big concerns is, are they going to have enough income?

If you're below state pension age, and maybe you have had a career gap, because you've been raising children, it's important to check and monitor your state pension situation, because there may be ways and means of topping that up with voluntary contributions. So I would always recommend that people do that, make sure that pensions aren't overlooked. And if you are in poor health, then any share of your partner's pension that you might receive may qualify you for a higher income if you are in poor health. So again, every potential problem might have actually an upside.

Yeah, for sure. I mean, I think one of the big problems is really just the emotional attachment and a long relationship. Yes, it's great to have the independent financial there to give advice concerning the mortgage and to get the lawyer to assist with regard to the pensions, but it's the emotional side of things. And I think Fiona, you can probably say that you've done a fair bit of hand holding, haven't you?

Oh, yes. And I think particularly after a long relationship there is it's grief, it's almost it's the death of the relationship, isn't it? That person you've been linked to for so long, isn't there anymore, and that is really hard to cope with sometimes. But there is actually quite a bit of help out there, it's just making sure that you find the right thing and ask around, ask your solicitor, ask your friends, ask your family if they know anybody.

I think that's very important Fiona, and I think that, certainly, when facing things, for example: "How am I going to budget? I've never had to do that before, I've never had to think about it," that's something you do quite often, isn't it? I think the legal term that we talk about is cash flow modelling and putting together budgets and spreadsheets, but that's something that you do routinely and it's something that you can help people with, isn't it?

Yes. And, and the advantage of Cash Flow Planning, which is, I suppose, a big posh spreadsheet that's got lots of colours on it, is that you can actually give people confidence that, you know, whatever measures you are putting in place, whatever planning you're doing, there are tools that we have in place to get people to the other side of all of this.

We expect to help people through a journey, and we expect them to come out the other end, actually, you know, pretty, pretty capable. So there is light at the end of that tunnel, for sure.

And I think that's very much Anna's message, wasn't it in her story that it was all daunting, she felt alone, and she didn't know how on earth she was going to cope, but she was okay. And that that was his message, and I think it's an important message, and I think that if perhaps any of the listeners are resonating with what we're talking about today, I think the takeaways are there are people who can help somebody who really understands the difficulties that people face and especially the difficulties that people find themselves in when indeed they are Silver Splitters. So thank you very much, Fiona, for joining me today, and I look forward to the next one.

Well, you're very welcome Joe and so do I.

My thanks to Anna for sharing her deeply moving story, and how she came out the other side of a long dark tunnel. And for sharing her own words of encouragement, you'll be okay.

Thanks again to Jonathan Dunkley, solicitor and Fiona Sharp, independent financial advisor for sharing their thoughts and wisdom on the grey divorce, what it's like being a Silver Splitter.

And thank you for listening to this latest episode of SplittingUp dot pod. I hope that our stories and experts can help you in the same way they help others.

We are covering a whole range of topics surrounding divorce and separation in this series, so do sign up wherever you get your podcasts and check out our archive of episodes.

There's even more information available on the website, SplittingUp.com where we have loads of free advice as well as experts you can contact for help and advice. Getting the right advice and support network in place are this week's key takeaways when facing that brave new world alone.

I'm Joanne Major, and I'll see you next time.