One of the most significant challenges divorcing parents face is ensuring that their children remain neutral and do not feel pressured to take sides. This article explores the strategies parents can adopt, age-appropriate approaches, and the risks involved when children become embroiled in parental conflict.
Understanding the risks of children taking sides
When children take sides during a divorce, it can have long-term emotional and psychological consequences, which may lead to the following:
- The child feeling torn between parents which can cause anxiety, depression, and feelings of guilt
- A child’s alignment with one parent may damage their bond with the other, potentially creating long-lasting estrangement
- Children exposed to one-sided narratives may struggle to form their own balanced view of relationships
- In extreme cases, this dynamic can lead to claims of parental alienation, which may influence court decisions about where and who the child will live with and how often they see the other parent.
What strategies can I use to prevent children from taking sides?
Tailor discussions about the divorce to your child’s age and understanding. For younger children, keep explanations simple, such as “Mum and Dad are going to live in different homes.” Older children may require more detail, but ensure the narrative is neutral and devoid of blame. Reiterate that both parents love them unconditionally and that the divorce is not their fault.
Even if tensions are high, avoid criticising your ex-partner in front of your children. This ensures they do not feel pressured to “choose sides” or internalise negative views about one parent.
Children thrive on stability. Maintaining consistent routines, such as school, extracurricular activities, and bedtime, can provide a sense of security, even when things are in a state of upheaval. Parenting apps can help parents coordinate schedules, ensuring that children know what to expect without being caught in the middle.
Encourage your children to express their feelings and listen to them without judgment. Acknowledge their emotions and let them know it is normal to feel sad, confused, or angry. If needed, speak to your GP or engage a child therapist or counsellor to help them process their emotions.
How do I ensure the children aren’t influenced negatively during divorce?
- Keep discussions about legal matters or disagreements away from children. Arguments or heated conversations should occur in private.
- Ensure that your body language and tone of voice are calm and reassuring during interactions with the other parent.
- Remind your children that they do not need to choose between parents. Phrases such as “You can love both Mum and Dad” can reinforce this idea.
- Encourage them to spend time with the other parent, even if it is difficult for you. The court’s position is that a child should have a relationship with both parents, and, in most cases this will be supported by its decision-making.
- If communication with your ex-partner is strained, consider mediation to resolve disputes without involving the children. Mediators can also help set guidelines to prevent manipulative behaviour, such as one parent attempting to alienate the child from the other.
Tailoring approaches to different age groups
Young children (0–7 years)
For younger children, predictability is key. Ensure that handovers between parents are smooth and free from conflict. Use clear, age-appropriate language to explain changes. Avoid overloading them with information. Physical affection and consistent care can help younger children feel secure.
School-aged children (8–12 years)
School-aged children may have questions about the divorce. Answer honestly while keeping the focus on how you’re both committed to their well-being. If they share experiences about their time with the other parent, listen without probing or passing judgment.
Teenagers (13–18 years)
Teenagers may have strong opinions about the situation. Respect their right to feel conflicted, but remind them they don’t need to pick sides. Encourage them to think for themselves, rather than absorbing one-sided narratives. If necessary, offer access to counselling if they are struggling to process their feelings.
What legal action can I take to prevent undue influence on my child from my ex?
The court prioritises the best interests of the child, and there are several ways it can help protect children from undue influence or parental manipulation:
A Child Arrangements Order (CAO) outlines where a child will live and the time they will spend with each parent. If one parent attempts to alienate the child from the other, the court can modify the order to protect the child’s relationship with both parents.
A Prohibited Steps Order can prevent a parent from taking certain actions, such as involving family members who may influence the child against the other parent.
The court increasingly recognises parental alienation, where one parent manipulates a child to reject the other parent. Evidence of such behaviour can lead to changes in living arrangements or result in supervised contact.
In more complex cases, a court may appoint a Children’s Guardian or Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (CAFCASS) officer to represent the child’s interests and ensure their voice is heard without undue influence.
Divorce doesn’t just affect parents—it can involve extended family members, such as grandparents, aunts, and uncles. To prevent children from being influenced, parents should be clear and inform family members that negative comments about the other parent are unacceptable. Be vigilant about conversations or behaviours that could encourage children to take sides. If necessary, Prohibited Steps Orders can also restrict extended family members from engaging in manipulative behaviour, although this should be used as a last resort.
Divorce is challenging, but with thoughtful preparation and a child-centred approach, parents can minimise the risk of their children taking sides. Prioritising open communication, maintaining stability, and using legal measures where necessary can protect your child’s well-being. By working together—or with the help of mediators and legal professionals—parents can ensure that their children emerge from the divorce with healthy relationships and emotional resilience.
The focus should always remain on what is best for the child: a balanced and loving relationship with both parents, free from undue influence.
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